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Hello There

The other day I had to take my little boy to the doctor to find out he just had a  cold. With him having asthma though it is better to be safe then sorry. The highlight of the trip was when we first walked in to the office a little black headed girl ran up grabbed both of his hands they swung each other around just like they haven’t seen each other in years which I suppose is the case since this was their first meeting.

I got to talking a bit with the girl’s mother, and realized why the little gal was so friendly. I informed her that my son really knows no stranger and usually we don’t  get the same response, as in most often the children we run into are stand offish. She agreed and told me she ran into the same problems as well.We also were not picking on those types of personalities basically reassuring each other about our children. It was a nice little encounter while it lasted

Later on that day when arriving to work, I was informed that I had to run an appointment. So away we went. We check in and the lady behind the desk gives us a stack of papers to fill out, we sit down and get straight to it. Plus I had to match up all her medications making sure they were still the same it was a bit time-consuming. After I got done we turned them in. When walking back I realized over yonder someone I have known for a long time. She was talking to someone at the moment so I didn’t interrupt.

We got called back before she had ended her discussion so nothing was said. The appointment didn’t take long at all and when returning to the waiting room the gal was still there and seems that she looked directly at me she recognized me. I often run in to her since we live on the same side of town and always wondered if it wasn’t me who said anything first what would happen? Which is not like me but I wanted to test it out so when walking right by her she actually dug her head more into her phone, never saying a darn thing. Which my sources prepared me for, but you know my faith always rises to an occasion.

This was a bit of a stab to the olé cardio I know there are worse things in life but what’s the big harry deal? Even if you don’t care for someone you can at least nod acknowledge their existence wouldn’t you agree? Maybe she felt like she didn’t want to get into a conversation with me which has never really happens to begin with…

Maybe this is just my ramblings of my insecurities maybe when this happens to me I think of my childhood and years ago and how cruel people were to me, even my friends and some adults maybe I start thinking of how I am not worthy of a simple hello or maybe its just time to write all these feelings out for once in my life get them out and be forever grateful that those days are over. To be thankful time has put a bit of rougher skin on me but too rough. To realize that I wouldn’t be the person today without those sour times and wouldn’t be sitting here writing about a simple hello, and what a bit of a difference it could make in someone life.

Maybe it wasn’t right of me not to say hello as well but can you see my point as in why I didn’t?

I know that it’s a bit of a dream. I can’t help but wonder how this world would be if we greeted everyone with a smile grabbed them by the hand and let them know how nice it is to see them….

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Love

One year in the third grade we decided after the school year was up in the town we lived in, we would go live with my Grams. The reason being my dad was constantly working. The summer was coming and he believed his work would lead to lots of late nights. Besides the town grams lived in wasn’t far. We could visit every weekend or drive over for the day.

This particular night during the week, Grams was making a run into town. So I asked her. Can we stop by on the way back to say hello to my dad? She knew being away was a bit harder on me then expected, even as a little girl my feelings have always been worn on my sleeve.

When we pulled up she told me to run on in, she would wait in the car. As I opened the door the muggy air took my breath away, the silence of the evening magnified the chirping of the bird and crickets, the sun was setting but not completely. I ran up on to the porch happy as a lark to see my dad. Opening the door the strange dark living room took my excitement a few notches down.

It wasn’t like my dad to be in bed? even if he was tired he would be in his recliner, it wasn’t dark outside at all yet? The dim light from his room in the back shinned a bit from the living room letting  me know where he was. Heading back my thoughts raced a bit since it was out of his ordinary. There he was fully dressed, with a cover and a book laying over his chest. Which made me even more curious. So I walked over to the side of the bed and read the name of the book.

Living on The Ragged Edge.

Which instantly broke my heart, because he was laying there dressed, asleep with a book. I wasn’t really sure about what I was seeing. All I know was for the first time in my life instead of my dad hurting for me, it was me who hurt for him.

My reality then was blind sided because a good man decided to shield us by all the love he gave us in hopes the vacancy sign that hung from our door wouldn’t hang in our hearts. The truth had leaked that night and all the love he had bestowed on me was returned to him by my compassion which manifested from his love.

Realizing over time some of the best years of my life was not the best years of his. I turned off his light with tears in my eyes covering him up, walking into the now with heartfelt words Thank You for everything you have taught me, but mostly love to carry around especially in the dark to light my way back home.

Family · Home · love

Good Food

 The memories of my childhood with my dad as a little girl. Stand out like the bright sun in a rainstorm! I suppose its because of his loving spirit and the way he has lived his life out through example instead of preaching.

He always had supper on the table most nights and we would always sit down together no matter how simple they were. The table was always cleared off never has it “…caught” anything but good food and conversation. However we did enjoy fast food quite often. He would grab it on the drive home or decide afterwards and we would all go pick it up together.

One night always revisit my thoughts.

We drove over to the local Dq  he puts in the order and we pull around. He puts the car in park tells us their pretty busy tonight after about ten minutes the lady give us our food my dad does his bag check as always hands the bag to my brother and proceeds to sit their just looking at the lady. She said sir what did we forget my dad says do you want your money? she laughs and says omg! Thank you so much sir.

When he drives off of course we chuckle and ask him why didn’t you just pull away dad we could have had a free meal? No it wouldn’t have been right you guys! Our dishonesty could have gotten her fired. I don’t want to see no one lose their job over me…

My brother and I didn’t say much after his answer he has always been pretty firm. So there was no need to say more. Though that night has always spoken to me. Most of his parenting does speak to me now more in my life than ever before.

This story has been a bit harder for me to tell but I did not want to leave it out because it shows my two or three readers more about who he is. Even in his struggle he always did the right thing and I am so very proud of him. I realize that all my stories are part of the past but you are such a good story and I plan to tell of all the good food you gave us for the soul.

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Blog Ramblings

ImageSo this whole blogging world is new to me. Actually it never occurred to me that people blogged the way they do as in my definition of a blog was people who write and post pictures about their family vacations, children, life as husband and wife and nothing more. One night when I found word press by typing in blogging signing up and surfing you could imagine my surprise when I seen topics from abuse, weight, sexual identity, work, every day life and so on. The majority of my time has been spent on here reading and getting to know some people .Actually a few people I could really call up and ask them is their anyway we could be friends. I even look forward to their next post about their lives or thoughts on a particular subject. I would mention them but think it may be early in the game for this. This has been unexpected and I feel like it is right up my alley as far as being myself and sharing parts of my life. Something that I have always wanted to do. I am a bit overwhelmed because it takes me forever to write one thing and even in writing this my son has the fridge open he is asking me a million questions and I am hunting and pecking these keys and feel as though it is a slow going process. Listen I love to write and talk about things just as much as the next person but feel as though this has not been easy because its hard for me just to sit here and type something on a whim! Sometimes when writing my stories about my past it takes me days because it doesn’t come out of my mind as fast. So this being said this is my first blog where I am just typing what comes to mind. Since reading more and more on here, I know when posting this even if it don’t make since it will be okay and I appreciate this and love that basically its no holds bar around these part.

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The Oldsmobile

Childhood

Being  lean in money my dad bought a car to get him from “Point A to Point B”

The Oldsmobile did just this for my dad

Today it holds a bittersweet memory

The car was a lighter brown and long like the long hours my dad worked to support his family on his own

There were four doors only three worked

A reminder of being the family of three we were

The driver side mirror was shattered spider webbed out where you could see my dads broken reflection

Symbolic to all the years he drove around single with a broken heart

The passage side door we all climbed in

Was heavy like the love that my brother and I carry for our hero of a dad

The brownish red interior of the car hung low

like the low times we were having in our lives

The smell of smoke

Fastfood

Filled the air

Like the love my dad poured out to and fro

To form a concrete foundation

To anchor down what we did have

The Car always moved

Slow at first

A reminder

That forward we go but slowly

 

Family · Home · love · Twins

Grateful

My little boy has a head full of dark brown wavy hair. I keep it cut short, it looks like a fitted helmet on his head. His eyebrows are dark and bushy, his brown eyes droop with long thick curled up lashes that you can ring out when wet, his skin is light brown an as smooth as ice, he has tiny dimples, and a smile that look as if he is trying to push out further. He is a complete doll.

The past six months we have set a bedtime hour a bit earlier so we can do some activities. He has started looking forward to this time and so have we. We read stories, sing a few songs, count and pray.Tonight we asked him to tell us a story of his own the story went something like this: ” The Spider crawled up mommy’s arm (using his two little chubby fingers he steps them up my arm) the rain came down splashed out the spider up came the sun and the spider lost his legs and could not walk”

After his story my husband starts reading a book one of my boys favorite books. He goes straight into the book not reading the title. My little guy says silly dad you forgot to read “Chuck and Friends” and he takes my husband back to the cover of the book. We all laugh for different reasons it was a good family moment. It plays back in my mind as I write it out and feels my heart with joy so thankful and glad to tuck it away in my time capsule in hopes he does the same. We start our counting from one to twenty trying to reach a pre school milestone. He gets stuck on thirteen and sixteen but other than that he is doing well and enjoys learning. He has got his own little accent he does while counting and laughs at himself all the way to twenty.

Tonight he was more wound up than usual. I warned him that we would cut it short if he did not straighten up, and of course being four he blew it. We told him we loved him and we would try again tomorrow. He started screaming bloody murder and chanting count, count, count. He eventually fell asleep he was so worn out it wasn’t long. I turned off the television, sat down on the couch and reflected.

I put the pen to paper so one day he can read about this memory and what he means to me as well.

I love you and try to say it many times over in hopes the words embed into your soul. If anything was gained when I lost your brothers it would be the value of life. Most so yours my little guy. I feel as though I can embrace our moments and in my soul know what they’re worth, because I know what it is like to be empty. To come home from a hospital after giving birth and have nothing, nothing in my arms to hold, nothing in the crib to place my eyes on, no baby to put baby clothes on, and milk but no baby to feed. This is the best way for me to explain such a feeling, at the end of the night while you say your prayer. My eyes survey the room at the toys on the floor, pictures on the wall, a bed filled up, with your beautiful head of hair showing. I graze my hand over your head and tilt mine back and say Oh Lord Thank you for filling me up. To you we are so grateful.

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Help!

1} I got to 5 likes and they told me to write a post about them, does that mean that my page itself got 5 likes or does it mean my post did?

2) These awards what are they all about?

3) can we private message fellow bloggers?

4) Do any of my followers have a facebook blog, and can we follow each other on their as well?

5) what do clicks mean on my stat page?

6) If you have any other feedback I am looking forward to hearing from you…

 

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Benjamin

First Crush: Who was your first childhood crush, what if you saw him or her again

This  poem was written by me back in Nineteen-Ninety-Nine. My friend Christy said I should enter it in a contest, it may not be that good but she don’t give out compliments unless she means them.

You always have a first love in life who lingers within your cardiovascular. Sometimes later in life  The Holy Spirit might unfold why things did not work… My blessing out of the deal was that my feelings were preserved instead of the alternative.

In the words of my mom Linda “Keep Your Fantasy in A Fantasy” because they’re  not what you imagined. Here is a little piece of my preservation.

The night we met

My feelings hadn’t happened yet

New years eve

You stole my heart from me

All those calls we made

All those nights

We laid awake

Together

safe

Happy

You said You wanted me

I wanted You too

I wanted to be your friend

Share everything

With you

I wished at times

lying next to you

I could’ve melted

To be part of you

Wherever you went to

Today you’re a memory

You remain a fantasy

A deep tear within my heart

The silence

You bestowed upon me

Never trumped

My faith in you

For a great life

Of happiness

I Love you

Daily Post · friendship · Home

Probation

FullSizeRenderTake A Chance On Me: What was the biggest chance you took? Did it work out?

I was twenty-one working in a daycare, taking care of babies. The daycare was large and had about 500 kids all together. The front desk had two happy well dressed woman sitting behind it. They were always smiling and greeting  you by name. There was an elevator across from the desk, it ran to the second story of the building, when you got off  you could go right or left, on the right was a short hallway that cut off into a tea, on the left side was a supervisor office and on the right side the owner of the building had her office. I always took the left turn and around the corner. I enjoyed the turn every morning before walking into my room. There were five infant rooms with windows. You could stand out and peak in at many tiny babies, back then we took care of babies who were just six weeks old. I enjoyed the job and the responsibilities because the job made me feel like I was doing my part to make the world a better place. I still had a lot of growing up to do during my spare time.

I had quite the group of friends that led to many nights out dancing, mingling, and meeting men. We always closed the bars down, meaning we did not leave until sometimes after three. This led to strolling in late to work most mornings and coming head to head with that perfect freshly pressed blonde supervisor. She seemed like she had it all together… ( there has always been something intimidating and admirable about a woman who has herself dressed to the nines first thing in the morning). She would look at her watch, shake her head, and purse her lips. I would walk straight to the elevator with my head down to my chest as far as it would go, standing waiting for the doors to open was like waiting for a punishment from your parents, when you were younger. I somehow managed to dodge her wrath.

THEN

One night got a bit out of hand. My friend (who also worked at the daycare) asked me if I wanted to go for a few drinks… It was the first time I tried Fuzzy Navels and they were going down like Niagara Falls. The few things I remember was leaving with my friend and two other guys, a fight that broke out in the parking lot, and falling up stairs. I woke up to the bright sun beaming on me  in a hotel room (yes hotel room) I got up and ran to the bathroom to get sick, after my episode I stood up, creeped back in to the room with my head down, walked over to the clock, picked it up and with a glance a lump formed in my throat, it was eleven o clock. My shift started at eight. A big fat tear rolled down my face. I walked over and shook my friend. I asked her what should we do? Her answer: well its too late now we will just have to look for another job. She lived with her parents. I had my own place and enjoyed having my own place, plus I  loved my job. It made me feel helpful, needed, and grown up. I had let myself down for the first time in my whole life. I got myself together and headed home and went straight to bed. I cried myself to sleep. I woke up later that evening thinking about how to make this right, regardless of the outcome. My plan was just calling and lying, for some reason I  couldn’t bring myself to do that.

The next morning came in as slow as a snail. I got out of bed at six o clock, got breakfast, my shower, and put my makeup on and headed out. My roommate: where are you going”? “To work” Do you think you still have a job Shelley? I have know  idea but I had to try. The drive into town remains the most nerve-racking drive of my whole life. I got to the parking lot and had a few minutes to get inside before my shift. I sat there debating about going in. I just could not give up this good thing I had going on with this job. I got out my car with my head high and shoulders up! I opened the double doors and my boss was sitting at the front desk. I walked straight in as fast as I could to the elevator with my head down. “Shelley” what are you doing here? Going to work? “No” you don’t work here anymore. The words shot out of her mouth in hit me like a bullet to the lungs. Taking my breath away, clumping up in my throat, slowly choking me and holding my voice hostage. It took me a minute to swallow so I could say something. People started to gather around and watch, making the situation worse. “Shelley” just turn around and go home. Fran, please just let me go to my classroom please? “Shelley” you let so many people down yesterday including your class, you through my schedule off and I had to switch people to different class rooms because you no called no-show. Fran please let me go upstairs and do my job?  She sat there for a minute pursing her lips and not blinking. I guess I could use you for the day. Go to your room. We will come get you later. You may have a chance to explain yourself. The day drug but that was okay by me. They waited until the end of my shift to come and get me. We walked down the hall of shame to the supervisor’s office with five well put together woman (you know how that gets me). The owner of the daycare included was there and says what happened to you yesterday Shelley? I sat there debating if I was going to tell the truth or not. She says again “Shelley were waiting” I looked at them all and said I will shoot for the truth, last night I had one to many drinks and woke up at eleven o clock in a hotel room and I really can’t remember too much at all. The reason I did not call was because I had to get myself together, I was shocked, sick and a mess and needed to reflect. I let myself down and had to figure out how to handle the situation. They all looked at each other and looked at me. Then the director says you’re  on probation for three months if you so much come in a minute late we will let you go. I stood up off that chair and told them all “Thank You” it was that moment of truth where I transformed and set the foundation of my work ethics!

If you ever do anything in life be honest, face your mistakes head on even if your punished you will be free. True freedom comes within the heart and mind. When you tell the truth its then when you truly live.