A memory of six years ago

The fog has separated these last six years where I am able to see ahead of me but every so often a bit of it drifts over in front of me and me being me I pull over to the side to wait for it to clear up again and forward I continue to go but slowly.

Two weeks after my twins passed away from being born premature, I had to go in for a check up at the doctor’s office. I checked in and sat down in the waiting room.

All the new babies and beautiful bellies were popping out in 3D. I was starting to develop a lump in my throat, being in a public place where no one knows what is going on with one another except happiness of the future. I didn’t want to have a break down and steel every ones thunder. So staring dead ahead is what helped me to stay focused enough not to lose it!

A lady I used to babysit for in my yester years walked up to the desk,it had been over seven or eight years since we seen or talked to each other, I thought about saying hello and decided it was not in my best interest. I put my head down and moved further back away from everyone.

The nurse called me back to see the doctor and my tears were able to start falling. When I got into the room  she was already in their waiting for me. She motioned me to sit down in the chair across from her. She put her hands on each side of my legs and asked me.

How are you feeling Shelley?

Empty

Do you want to hurt yourself?

No.

Shelley I am sorry if I could give you a baby I would. Is there anything at all I can do to help you with your sadness?

Yes. Can you give me a minute alone in here?

She shook her head yes gave me a hug and walked out the door.

I tilted my head back on the wall, scooted down into the chair with my legs stretched straight out in front of me. I closed my eyes and pretended my stomach was full of active healthy babies kicking and rolling around the way they always did and that this was a regular visit, I pretended my due date was right around the corner and I would soon go into to full term labor, I pretended of my family uniting instead of fighting, I pretended of holding you in joy instead of this cold, dark hellish nightmare we were in and the doctor would come back in and tell me you were both doing wonderful, I didn’t want to lift my heavy head off the wall but when I did the small, empty, dull room greeted me to the truth.

I could hear all the staff chattering outside the door. I wondered what they all were thinking of me. I opened the door to my reality and what they had already known, about me. They extended their arms and apologies towards me because I am a grieving mother to two sweet boys in heaven.

 

Gabe and willy 08/04/08

” I ache for the day I can kiss your foreheads and hold you in my arms again” Danielle Walker

 

14 thoughts on “A memory of six years ago

  1. It is quite normal I would think that many times your mind wanders to your loss.. I know that I would be the same. I can’t imagine the agony of losing a child… Having said that they are in the arms of the Lord… and feeling so loved… Hope that you are feeling somewhat better… take care… Diane

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  2. Thank you Diane, I am feeling better July always hits me pretty hard after there the fourth of August I feel so relieved, it has been nice to write about it and freely say what I want without the worry of others. If that makes sense at all…. Thanks Diane for reading I really appreciate how you reassure me. not everyone is like that you know.

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  3. I was poking around and somehow found what u wrote about dr visit. I know I read it before. But I think I’m was different this time because we have become close.. I started crying and could see ur story like a movie. I know at the time it was awful. But I know now both of ur baby were put into gabe and r living through him. I love u very much like my sister. And always be there for u as u have me

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sally, You know I am excited about you “poking” around my blog, thank you so much for your words they mean lots. I love you and miss you dearly sometimes in the evenings when sitting alone after feeding the residents I cry because your not there. I miss sharing our lives and gossip talks. So with this said we need to plan a movie and dinner. Thanks so much for your love and reading about my life. Love you.

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