Family · Home · love

My Notepad

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I miss my Son, my Mom, Dad, and my Husband taking the picture. I miss them without any of us being gone. I miss Izzy too, she’s the clump of fur on my Moms lap. I have a good life.

I’ve been writing in a notepad I carry in my Vera Bradley, bag. I don’t write everyday in my notepad. I don’t write every other day, either. I only write when I’m feeling the vibe.

 

I can’t believe I carry a notepad, in my bag, with a lot of my feelings openly written inside. I have actually thought about how I would feel if I misplaced or left my bag at someone’s house or my job. I worry about what people might think of me if they read what I wrote. I worry more about the notepad than my money I have in my bag. If I’m being honest it’s because I have a lot more feelings than money.

 

I’ve thought about leaving the notepad here at home but then I think about how much I love my notepad and how it’s there to catch me if I need to write down what I’m feeling. The fact that there are other feelings of mine written in my notepad, encourages me to keep my notepad with me and write down other feelings, if needed.

 

The notepad has no cover, because of taking it out and putting it back inside my bag so much. I still carry the cover that belongs to the notepad around in my bag, as well.  The notepad at first was to write information down about a product I wear and share on social media. I still share the love I have for the product but not as often.

 

The notepad comes in handy for my feelings, and basically, I guess, that is where my heart may be.

 

I write in my notepad when something or someone makes me angry, and the rest of my writing is about death. I think about death a lot. I think, I think about death more than I should, and no, I don’t know WHY, either. I don’t think about death as in what will happen when I die. I think about all the people I will miss when I do die.

 

I know this may sound odd because when we die we obviously don’t know we’re dead, and in Heaven we don’t miss people they say. I guess you could say, I miss the thought of missing my family and friends.

 

 

 

 

Family

A Step In The Right Direction

My husband, Gabe, and I attended a seminar for families at the school tonight. They prepared dinner and a sitter for everyone who attended. The name of the seminar was Overcoming Obstacles.

They broke up everyone into groups of five. We EACH introduced ourselves by telling everyone who we were, how many children we have, and the biggest obstacle we our facing. I was the fourth one to speak. I told them my name, and that I was married, and that we have a son together and I have two Stepchildren. I told them being a parent was hard, but being a blended family was harder. In my opinion. I ended up getting tons of feedback from the girls in the group. A few girls married to husbands with Ex-wife’s and a few Ex-husband who were remarried.

If  you want something you never had you have to do something you’ve never done”

I felt all of us stepped outside the box tonight. We walked to the school together, we had face to face human interaction, and put down our electronics. This year, if the good Lord is willing. I want to quit trying to fix problems out of my control. I’d like to see some of the unnecessary energy I use trying to fix these problems spent on the people I love!

Family

Journal, Entry

Yesterday, was my first day off I had since last Monday. I told you last time we had gone in to overtime at work, because we WERE short-staffed. We have two residents who are on hospice care. The boss wants two people on duty at all times, because both of the residents are total care.

When Steve (my husband) came home from work, he fired up the grill. I wrapped up potatoes in foil, to have him put on the grill. I finished doing what was left of the dishes, and HE sucked up the leaves, with the blower!

The sun was shining, kids were laughing, playing, and I could smell freshly cut grass.

I decided to walk over to the school, and pick Gabe up from after school care. He was on the swing by himself, and I quietly stood there watching him swing. One of his friends came up to him holding a soccer ball. He asked Gabe if he would play soccer with him? Gabe, said no. I then spoke up from behind him, and said: why not? He said “Mom where did you come from?”

We gathered up his backpack, jacket, and signed him out. He told me he was on green (which is good.) Then told me there was a note in his bag. I un-zipped the bag as we walked home, and he helped me pull the note out of his blue folder. The note read “Is Yelling A Daily Event At Your House” I stopped, and looked at Gabe after I finished reading the invite to the school from a speaker who is going to share “effective techniques of getting through to our kids without yelling.”

I asked him if he thought we needed the class? “he said: “well Dad does.”

I shoved the paper back into the bag. I could see my husband working in the yard, as Gabe, and I got closer to the driveway.

Gabe, crossed the street, and I paused as I watched him walk up into the yard.I couldn’t help but ask God, how did I ever get here? what in the world, did I do deserve this moment?

The sun shining, Gabe laughing, and Steve in the front yard, working, and waiting for us to come home. If I happen not to make it through the day Lord, thank you, thank you, for another beautiful day!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Family · Grandma

Long Time No Talk

I know how much you’ve missed me… I’ve been missing you too. And that’s on the real.

I think, all of you, will be happy to know, I’m reading my second book since the year 2009. I’m bound and determined to finish what I’ve  started. I ask that you stay with me, through my hiatus?

The book I’m reading, is “fiction”.

To tell the truth I’m not a fan of fiction. I thrive on real life stories of people who have survived addictions, abuse, and illnesses.

I love when people dig into themselves and all their obstacles life has given them.

The book, I’m reading, might be based on SOME truths. In my opinion!

I believe the Lord does give us visions and dreams. I have written about them in some of my blogs.

Yes, the book is about an encounter with God!

One time, I dreamed, I was walking on clouds in the sky.Walking cotton ball after cotton ball. For miles.

To my right there were tables with blinding white tablecloths. There were people of all kinds surrounding these tables.

They all had porcelain skin, skin so radiant their glow would guide you through any black night. They were watching me, and I them.

The walk didn’t seem to bother me.

I felt time on my side, and nothing hanging on my shoulders. I felt like a piece of fuzz from a dandelion someone blew into the air.

The people whom turned my head, appeared the same way.

In front of me, far into the distance.

I seen a woman with her hand up. She waved back and forth, like a flag in a gentle breeze. At first I squinted my eyes, and forehead, in wonder, who this could be?

I got closer, and  recognized my Grandma.

She looked to be in her late forties early fifties. Her skin smooth and radiant just like I described the other people to you..

Her hair was short, black, thick, freshly, curled, and set. I waved back at her as she stared into my eyes, with that smile that lit up her cheeks. I had to keep moving with the clouds and she kept moving too, staying in the distance, letting me know she’s always with me.

A GIFT from God, I BELIEVE to get me through the times we are not together…

Fiction or Non Fiction?

You’re FREE to decide.

Family · memories

Christmas Eve, And Christmas Day

I would like to share how our Christmas went. This was the first year, my husband had his children here on Christmas. We had them the day after Christmas last year, and we were grateful. This year even more so, because all of our kids were together on Christmas morning.

Gabe, woke up at about 12:30 a.m and informed me Santa had been here. He climbed into bed right beside me, and was shaking to the point I thought something was wrong. I asked him if he was alright? 

Yes, Mom I’m so excited!

He did tell me his legs were hurting. He gets growing pains during the night. (The doctor is aware and has told me they’re growing pains). We got up to get him pain reliever, and as we walked through the kitchen, he stopped, and stared into the living-room at our small white tree, with gifts underneath.

I could stand here all night, mom!

I chuckled, gave him his medicine, and told him we had to go back to bed. I drift off for about an hour and a half and wake up to him telling his brother:

I got another Bowser amibo! 

I slapped Steven  awake, and told him their in their opening presents! He hops right up like someone is breaking into the house. Before he leaves the room, I said don’t yell their excited. I hear him say:

Did you open all your gifts without us…

Gabe, continued to tell him what he got. He pushed him back to bed, and told him to not get up until morning.

They all woke up around 8:00 a.m and we watched them open their presents. I was worried, because a few of them had a bit more than the other. Neither one of our children said anything about their amount of presents.

This was also the first year, I did Christmas dinner. Steve asked me if we could have dinner here since he had to take the kids back the next morning, I agreed. I kept dinner real simple, especially being my first time. We had a ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, green been casserole, and rolls. I burnt the rolls.

I sipped on Bailey’s’ while I cooked. It felt good, to know, I had two more days off to spend  with my family. Steve’s Mom helped me clean up, and do dishes. She said I did a nice job, and that this was the first time in twenty-two years she had off the hook from having Christmas dinner at her house.

My Step-daughter, practiced her flute downstairs, and I watched. She is making great progress. She played a favorite of mine.

I dreamed a dream

When she was done, she went upstairs to call her Mom. She told her Merry Christmas, and asked her if they could stay one more night. Her Mom said, Yes.

I must admit.

This was a great Christmas.

He used all the good notes!

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Family · friendship

Laughing To The Grave Part 2

Writing on my blog has not been easy lately. I’m not going to lie. I look around at some of your post, and think my God, where can I get a blog like them… It’s not the size, I envy. It’s your writing style, your format, your flow, pictures, fonts, and the time that looks like you put into your blog. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t sit at the table with my elbow on it, leaning against my hand, for hours. It just makes me more aware of what and how I write. My cohort told me the other night.

“When it comes down to it, what matters is that people understand what you’re trying to say”

A few things have been keeping my family down in the dumps, my husband and I mainly. I won’t go into it too much, because you heard it all before. I would rather make us both laugh, how bout it?

A few weeks ago, Emmet was under the weather, and just not acting normal. My supervisor asked me to take her into the Emergency Room. They were getting her checked in, asking her questions about who, what, when, where, and why.

“Where is it, that you live?”

Emmet: The Jerry Kline Home For The Blind

“What Did you say”

Emmet: She then, slowly, broke-down all the words, and repeated herself

“Ok”

Emmet: busted out singing the nursery rhyme “Three Blind mice”

The same night, my husband and I were getting ready to go to bed. He had stepped out of our room for just a few minutes. I had a pill to take in my hand and of course dropped it. I was in-between the bed and the wall, on all fours, running my hand across the floor, trying to find that tiny thing.My husband walked backed in the room while I was on the hunt. He yells my name like he lost me in a crowd at a carnival. He scared the crap out of me. I pop up and say “What the hell, is going on”

Him: I did not see you, I thought the rapture had taken place and the lord took you instead of me…

My son and I got out-of-town, a few weeks ago. We went to a graduation. It was down by my home-town. On our way back home, we stopped in to see an old friend. Gabe asked them if we could use their bathroom. I went with him, because I had to go as well. He tripped over a toy and put his hand through a hole, which you could tell had been there already. He looks up at me, motions me to come in closer, when I get face to face with him, he looks around and back again at me.

Mom: I think their house is ripping apart!

I know you’re aware we follow Jesus, since my son was born I have let him know he can talk to him anytime. It does not matter where you’re, what you’re doing, it’s as simple as talking to me. The other day he found a spider in our house. He was squatted down, following it around. He motioned me to come look at it and I did. I grabbed a shoe and smashed it!

Gabe: JESUS, LOOK OUT!

Children · Family

Hanging On To My family By A Thread

This morning hasn’t started off good. I had made an appointment, a  month ago, for today. I thought it was for ten-o-clock but it was for nine-o-clock, which is weird, Gabe starts school around then. This was the second time, they have re-scheduled me. The receptionist called me at nine, asking if I was there?  I said no, I thought it was at ten? She shuffled through her papers while continuing to say hmm, “no, my Calendar says nine” (swallowing crow) I said: it’s my fault and I’m nowhere near the office, I’m sorry. I talked to my mom a bit about the situation. She told me to start writing things down, and how there is an app, that will remind you, of the appointments you have.

It’s all well in good, but writing things down is a downfall of mine. I hung up the phone and checked the weather. I noticed one of the anchor ladies, on the news site. Stacey Skrysak. My mother had posted this post of her’s, on my fb page, a while back ago. It has been my favorite piece of writing ever since.

My eye’s filled up this morning with tears as I read her post this morning. I thought about having to wait another month to get Ativan for my panic-attacks. They come on like a deer jumping out in front of your  car. I do have some daily medication, it don’t always cut it. It helps but not fully.

They started over a year ago.

One night, around three, I woke up to what felt like a water hose of adrenaline filling up my body. I shot STRAIGHT UP into a sitting position and gasped for air, slid out of bed, and into the bathroom. Where I noticed my melons shaking back and forth with every beat of my heart. I thought about taking a Xanax that belonged to my husband. I stared at them thinking about the knowledge I knew. With being a nurses aid. My heart was going to need medical assistance and the hospital would not like to hear that I took medication that was not mine.

I woke up my husband and told him he would have to stay with our son. I called the ambulance to take me to the emergency room. He hated doing such, but all in all this is why we have each other. I told him to take him to school in the morning and he could meet me afterwards.

When the ambulance picked me up. I walked out and climbed into the back and laid on the stretcher. The guy started to put in a Iv. He told me if  my heart rate did not slow down he was going to be ordered to give me a medicine, that basically stops the heart for a second. He did not want to have to use it on the ambulance but would if he had too. He asked me some questions about my life. I was able to get comfortable with him. I asked if he had seen this happen with a lot patients? “all the time” we got to the hospital and they had a room waiting for me and started asking me questions.

Had I taken illegal drugs?

Did I take anything at all?

I told them a Sudafed, actually two within that day.

If you took anything illegal, you can tell us, we won’t turn you in?

No, I did not take any drugs!

The doctor came in and ordered medicine that would drip slow. He thought it may help bring down my heart-rate and if he could bring it down. He could see more about what was going on.

I laid there in that one moment, thinking this could be the beginning to the end of my life.

Who knows, what they would tell me?

I’ve had a heart problem before.

Where there is one rat there are a hundred more you don’t see.

What about my husband, my son, my dad, my mom, how will they get through it?

I’ve been in the shallow part of water when it comes to loosing a child

After placing my feet on dry land, I changed.

In one blink of one eye

I lost a family of four. I lost a piece of my husband, my sons Will and Gabe, I lost half of myself, and any thought that life, would last into our thirties, forties, fifties, sixties, seventies, and so on. I lost being grateful, for my family, when hearing of another families misfortune. Because just as you thank God it wasn’t your son or your daughter. You’re  thinking to soon. I’m thankful every second, every minute, of every hour for the life with my family.

The fear I have, isn’t the dying part. It’s the loss, the grief, one would have to feel. It’s the hollowness in a room filled with furniture, clothes, and toys. The silence when all you want to hear is crying. The passerby’s you don’t know but wish you did, so they would stop for a second, while you try to wrap your head around what had happened. It’s the guilt and the choices you made before the boom. It’s the guilt that your gone and I’m here. It’s the triggers, like missing an appointment to the psychiatrist.

The other day I was reading another writers post on loss. Her words as a survivor touched my heart.  “I have to keep living and loving because they can’t. And it breaks my heart. And it mends it too”

 

 

 

Family · Home

To My Readers


First off, thank you for sticking with me, especially since I haven’t read a lot of your post lately.

Things are calming down, since our move. Yes, we moved! We found a three bedroom brick house.

We both agreed on it and went for it!

In the process, I got sick. Ear infection, bronchitis, and sinus. I was seen, three times in the last two months. My cough is still hanging on. I won’t lie. I just did not feel like reading or blogging. And our internet is still not hooked up.

I enjoy blogging on the computer, when I do blog. For now. My blog post will be short and sweet. There will be more reading, and less typing until we get back on the grid.

Hill Side Property
Hill Side Property

I’ve  not had time to doll up the house, yet. When I do, I will take you on a virtual tour!

 

Family · Home

Crying-Out-Loud

Last night cooking supper I noticed our bird hanging upside from his food bowl. I gave our parrot a smile and continued fixing our supper. When I walked by the cage again he was sitting on the bottom with his green feathers puffed out. I stood at his cage for a moment staring in on him. He usually don’t  sit in one place at the bottom of his cage. He either rubs his beak trying to get something off or he’s picking food off his floor. I read one time in a parrot pamphlet, “its abnormal behavior for them to be sitting on the bottom” I bent down opened his door and grabbed him out to take a closer look. When I put him on my finger he didn’t clinch it with his tight sharp grip, I embraced him in my hand and gently flipped him over to check out his feet thinking he may of hurt one, this was not the case. He did not fight me at all while accessing him and upon noticing this my heart started beating faster, thoughts racing and it was getting harder to focus. I then notice him opening his beak but nothing  was coming out, not a chirp or peck. There was a bit of food on his beak which calmed me down, for a second thinking this was the problem. Unfortunately, he was still struggling to breath. I put him back down realizing he was on his way out, opened the back door where my husband hangs out on the deck and chain smokes. “Steve the bird is dying, what the hell did you do to him”? My husband being his calm self “nothing” he continued to puff away as the door slammed! It took a minute to start rationalizing because of hurt and panic. I knew he was dying and also new that it was too late in the game to head into town to the vet. The last time one of my animals went into respiratory distress. I got to the office, handed him over to the vet, as he started toward the back to check him out, the kitten died. The vet billed me for the hand off…

When Steven came in, I shared my thoughts on the subject, he did not disagree. We took Saltine in our room to pass. I felt this was to heavy for Gabe to know and watch.”Salty” died minutes later. I cried the rest of the time cooking supper my husband called out my name which was a prompt to “get a hold of myself'” I still stood at the sink slowly washing dishes with my back turned to my son. He then started telling me a story and when he was done. He asked me a question about his story. When I wouldn’t turn around he started digging his way in front of the sink and me “mom answer my question” ( I would have if I knew what he had asked).

“mom are you crying over my story”

“yes with a loud wail”

Family · Home · memories

Million Dollar Night Gown

This post is older. I wanted to share it with you. I have gained three or four more followers since. I also wanted to thank all of you for following me and all your encouragement. You know how to make a gal feel welcome.. I have enjoyed your journey’s as well and look forward to many more of your post. Thanks again.

Life In My Tin Can

As a young girl my grandma helped my dad out a lot on the weekends. When my dad had to work. On Friday’s she would come to get me and my brother.

My grandma was a bit more laid back then my father with getting our way. We’d   go shopping for clothes, toys, and out to eat. You know the things most grandmas do?

She always enjoyed having us stay over.

The second you walked into her house it was like walking into a different world. She would greet us with a smile and hug. My childhood troubles would be lifted like a book-bag loaded with seven or eight books at her door. She would ask questions about our lives. What our you working on in school? Do you like your teacher? hows your dad been? I would answer her questions but tell her more about the bullies in…

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