More free writing

Today was a good day little man and I slept in a bit, actually a lot oops! We didn’t make it to preschool but we had a nice talk about his picture, he and his dad made the night before last. He told me they were fishing with sunshine and blue skies the picture was pretty detailed for a four-year old. My husband helped him a bit,but you can tell the picture was made by him for the most part.

Then we tackled getting cleaned up, dressed and ready for the day. We fed the animals as in the bird, dog and cat the kitty is an outdoor cat who choose all of us for some reason?  after this we turned on a Dailey carton he loves to watch but he decided to bring his color crayons and book over to me to show me a maze except he had to ask me what they were called? We went over how to do them. He made sure there wasn’t a single maze left undone after he had caught on!

We didn’t go outside today together and I can’t tell you why? These days were into our cycle which is a three wheel contraption that sits real low to the ground, yesterday I had my fill of up, down, around, get over here, stay out of their day but still loved watching him have a hay day! We should have went outside it was so pretty. A bit of a warm breeze was coming in through the window, the sun was shining high there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. I love days like these and hate all kinds of storms especially the kind in life that throw you for a loop and it takes you a bit to put your feet back on the ground.

When my son was born I was still going through a ton of grief. It took a toll on me but our relationship from the start was interrupted. When they pulled him out it took him about three minutes for him to cry, his dad looked terrified my arms were stretched out, tied down with a huge blanket blocking my view it took only a minute for all those emotions to start flooding in. When he did cry my numbness had already taken over its amazing what the mind and body do for you in the deepest darkest moments of your life. They briefly showed him to me then carried him off to make sure everything was okay with him. Which never bothered me in the least. When you lose not one baby but two you get real used to not being able to hold them it had already been my way of life.

When they finally got me all clean, stitched up and to my room they asked me if I would like them to go get my baby. I remember looking up at the nurse and saying what? She came over to my bed with complete understanding and said again with a smile do you want me to go get him so you can hold him. He is so beautiful congratulations. Yes please bring him to me. When he came in she said would you like to try to feed him which was a bit hard for us to get down so we just skipped that part this time around.

The next evening took another turn when I was burping him he starting turning blue the nurse came down looked at him told me they had to take him down to the neonatal unit when they came back about a half hour later to tell me his oxygen was going down into the thirties, it would rise back up but still was very dangerous so until he could learn to maintain he would have to stay with them. They ran test and determined that he would eventually grow out of this phase he will have to learn to maintain his oxygen on his own but needed to be observed this took four weeks when he came home it was everything but happy.

You see I never got the memo that after you lose a baby in my case babies, when you have another one it is a simple reminder of the high cost you could possibly pay and it takes a toll on a woman. So for two or three years I have walked on eggshells in the beginning it was his bottles he would gag a bit too much for my comfort, then it was his tantrums he would get so mad his lips would turn blue oh how I held my breath too, then he started eating solids and every bite he took was similar to me standing on a cliff, he started climbing up the monkey bars I said that’s it I can’t take it! I still took care of him like a mother should but with caution, my guard up and a bit of apprehensive of the future.

He felt this as well. I know he did because when I brought him home he would just cry it wasn’t  your normal cry like he was un happy either just basically more or less I really don’t like you cry. As tense as I was during those times, I cannot blame him.

Today we still bump heads mostly because were at that age, he helps himself to the fridge and I yell you need to ask instead of oh god don’t eat that! He ate a bag of skittles on his own the other day and plays at the park as free as a lark and although life has been very dark he pointed out in his drawing look mama look at the blue skies Yes babe your so right. Thank you for pointing that out to me.