Dad, Told Me Never Backwards, Only Forwards

I moved into a new position at work, You’re looking at the new Activity Director of the home where I work. I plan events for the residents. Bowling, fishing, picnicking, parties, and games. I enjoy my new job. To be honest, the work has not been all fun and games. My biggest challenge has been planning  the calendar for each month. I plan all the activities and make sure none of the events run into one another. I have trouble with focusing. This requires me to triple check my work. I also have others look over my work, and they have been happy to help me out.

The job is challenging, and I’ve wanted to throw in the towel, because of my lack of organization skills, and focussing.

Today: Was Special Olympics Fun Day with friends. The organization, paired up the residents, with a one on one friend (volunteer). They took them to games, karaoke, lunch, and a concert featuring: Elvis. I got to sit, and write.

The other night I was able to go out with Freebird. We went to dinner and caught up a bit, then we went to see the movie IT! The movie was alright, not bad, but not great. The eerie part of the movie to me, was the back story of the children who were not only victims of the clown, but abuse in their day-to-day life. They were not just abused by their parents, but bullies too.

King was no stranger to the hell that went on in the 1980s!

I  have, started reading again but not your blogs. I’ve been reading about Jeffrey Dahmer, Ottis Toole  and Henry Lee Lucas. Ottis Toole killed Adam Walsh. Henry Lee Lucas was his partner and “alleged” lover. These men set the sail “as a mid-1980s panic over stranger abductions, one out of petrified kids and Paranoid parents. Kids used to be able to go out and organize a kickball game, and now all playdates and the social lives of children are arranged and controlled by parents.” This statement hit home with me. I put my child on a short leash. He’s not stayed all night with anyone, but I have let him walk next door and play with a friend, he also walks to school with him, and his dad every once in a while.

The movie IT in my opinion is about fear. The chains fear can have on you.

Fear: will stunt the growth of a child, a new career for an adult, help for a drug user, marriage, and divorce. The list can go on and on, you get my point, don’t you?

The other day on my drive to work a squirrel darted out in front me he or she was giving it all he or she had.

Focused on what was in front of him or her and front legs and back legs hitting nothing but pavement. I couldn’t help to be envious of the drive this animal had to get across the street the way it did!

 

Christmas Eve, And Christmas Day

I would like to share how our Christmas went. This was the first year, my husband had his children here on Christmas. We had them the day after Christmas last year, and we were grateful. This year even more so, because all of our kids were together on Christmas morning.

Gabe, woke up at about 12:30 a.m and informed me Santa had been here. He climbed into bed right beside me, and was shaking to the point I thought something was wrong. I asked him if he was alright? 

Yes, Mom I’m so excited!

He did tell me his legs were hurting. He gets growing pains during the night. (The doctor is aware and has told me they’re growing pains). We got up to get him pain reliever, and as we walked through the kitchen, he stopped, and stared into the living-room at our small white tree, with gifts underneath.

I could stand here all night, mom!

I chuckled, gave him his medicine, and told him we had to go back to bed. I drift off for about an hour and a half and wake up to him telling his brother:

I got another Bowser amibo! 

I slapped Steven  awake, and told him their in their opening presents! He hops right up like someone is breaking into the house. Before he leaves the room, I said don’t yell their excited. I hear him say:

Did you open all your gifts without us…

Gabe, continued to tell him what he got. He pushed him back to bed, and told him to not get up until morning.

They all woke up around 8:00 a.m and we watched them open their presents. I was worried, because a few of them had a bit more than the other. Neither one of our children said anything about their amount of presents.

This was also the first year, I did Christmas dinner. Steve asked me if we could have dinner here since he had to take the kids back the next morning, I agreed. I kept dinner real simple, especially being my first time. We had a ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, green been casserole, and rolls. I burnt the rolls.

I sipped on Bailey’s’ while I cooked. It felt good, to know, I had two more days off to spend  with my family. Steve’s Mom helped me clean up, and do dishes. She said I did a nice job, and that this was the first time in twenty-two years she had off the hook from having Christmas dinner at her house.

My Step-daughter, practiced her flute downstairs, and I watched. She is making great progress. She played a favorite of mine.

I dreamed a dream

When she was done, she went upstairs to call her Mom. She told her Merry Christmas, and asked her if they could stay one more night. Her Mom said, Yes.

I must admit.

This was a great Christmas.

He used all the good notes!

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Day Three Of Quote Challenge

I was nominated by Dru, to post three quotes for three days. This was a challenge. I thank you for thinking of me!

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I have learned over the last six years, how to “consider the source” this means you can’t take peoples snide remarks, and carry them around all day on the tip of your nose. I work a seven-day stretch, every other week. I will get Monday and Tuesday off, after the week-end, of my seven days. A lady, whom is a resident will say: “Shelley is this the week you get your two days off” I will tell her yes, and she will say: “you’re the only aid they give two days in a row off too, I asked the other aids why they don’t have two days in a row off and they said they’re not as special as you” she will not let me live the long vacation down. When the boss first started scheduling me with this huge vacation. I would explain, to my resident, why they had to schedule us the way they did. She would still, let me know, she didn’t think, the schedule was fair. She has been moved, three times from tables in the dining-room because she has bashed residents for personal issues about themselves. She told a resident the other day she had no business going to church, because she cussed and has a serious problem with over-eating. I know something has happened in this womans life. This by no means excuses her. I realize, it’s her, and not us!

 

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I clean for a woman, she is my boss at my job. Her daughter has a frame of this verse on her dresser. I think the verse is definitely, frame worthy. I think of certain issues going on in my life with my family, and my husbands ex-wife. I wish I could find my peace with both situations. I would love to go into detail and hear what advise you would have to give me but I can’t expose other people on my blog.

bltn

I see why they call this a challenge. This has not been easy for me and I did not want to finish the job. I persevered!

Feel free to take part in this challenge if you wish!

Hanging On To My family By A Thread

This morning hasn’t started off good. I had made an appointment, a  month ago, for today. I thought it was for ten-o-clock but it was for nine-o-clock, which is weird, Gabe starts school around then. This was the second time, they have re-scheduled me. The receptionist called me at nine, asking if I was there?  I said no, I thought it was at ten? She shuffled through her papers while continuing to say hmm, “no, my Calendar says nine” (swallowing crow) I said: it’s my fault and I’m nowhere near the office, I’m sorry. I talked to my mom a bit about the situation. She told me to start writing things down, and how there is an app, that will remind you, of the appointments you have.

It’s all well in good, but writing things down is a downfall of mine. I hung up the phone and checked the weather. I noticed one of the anchor ladies, on the news site. Stacey Skrysak. My mother had posted this post of her’s, on my fb page, a while back ago. It has been my favorite piece of writing ever since.

My eye’s filled up this morning with tears as I read her post this morning. I thought about having to wait another month to get Ativan for my panic-attacks. They come on like a deer jumping out in front of your  car. I do have some daily medication, it don’t always cut it. It helps but not fully.

They started over a year ago.

One night, around three, I woke up to what felt like a water hose of adrenaline filling up my body. I shot STRAIGHT UP into a sitting position and gasped for air, slid out of bed, and into the bathroom. Where I noticed my melons shaking back and forth with every beat of my heart. I thought about taking a Xanax that belonged to my husband. I stared at them thinking about the knowledge I knew. With being a nurses aid. My heart was going to need medical assistance and the hospital would not like to hear that I took medication that was not mine.

I woke up my husband and told him he would have to stay with our son. I called the ambulance to take me to the emergency room. He hated doing such, but all in all this is why we have each other. I told him to take him to school in the morning and he could meet me afterwards.

When the ambulance picked me up. I walked out and climbed into the back and laid on the stretcher. The guy started to put in a Iv. He told me if  my heart rate did not slow down he was going to be ordered to give me a medicine, that basically stops the heart for a second. He did not want to have to use it on the ambulance but would if he had too. He asked me some questions about my life. I was able to get comfortable with him. I asked if he had seen this happen with a lot patients? “all the time” we got to the hospital and they had a room waiting for me and started asking me questions.

Had I taken illegal drugs?

Did I take anything at all?

I told them a Sudafed, actually two within that day.

If you took anything illegal, you can tell us, we won’t turn you in?

No, I did not take any drugs!

The doctor came in and ordered medicine that would drip slow. He thought it may help bring down my heart-rate and if he could bring it down. He could see more about what was going on.

I laid there in that one moment, thinking this could be the beginning to the end of my life.

Who knows, what they would tell me?

I’ve had a heart problem before.

Where there is one rat there are a hundred more you don’t see.

What about my husband, my son, my dad, my mom, how will they get through it?

I’ve been in the shallow part of water when it comes to loosing a child

After placing my feet on dry land, I changed.

In one blink of one eye

I lost a family of four. I lost a piece of my husband, my sons Will and Gabe, I lost half of myself, and any thought that life, would last into our thirties, forties, fifties, sixties, seventies, and so on. I lost being grateful, for my family, when hearing of another families misfortune. Because just as you thank God it wasn’t your son or your daughter. You’re  thinking to soon. I’m thankful every second, every minute, of every hour for the life with my family.

The fear I have, isn’t the dying part. It’s the loss, the grief, one would have to feel. It’s the hollowness in a room filled with furniture, clothes, and toys. The silence when all you want to hear is crying. The passerby’s you don’t know but wish you did, so they would stop for a second, while you try to wrap your head around what had happened. It’s the guilt and the choices you made before the boom. It’s the guilt that your gone and I’m here. It’s the triggers, like missing an appointment to the psychiatrist.

The other day I was reading another writers post on loss. Her words as a survivor touched my heart.  “I have to keep living and loving because they can’t. And it breaks my heart. And it mends it too”

 

 

 

Life With An Earthling And Two Angels In Heaven

The day you were born, I didn’t hold you right away. The doctor showed you to me and then had to stitch me up. They pushed my bed through the lobby. Where your grandpa, uncles, aunts, and friends would greet us with smiles, and tears. They said how beautiful you were, and how much you looked like me.The nurse got me settled in my room and told me it would be an hour before they let friends and family in. They wanted the anatesia to wear off and monitor my stats. The nurse asked if I wanted to see you, I shook my head yes.

When she put you in my arms. I didn’t count your fingers and toes. I ran my hand over your face, arms and legs. I was in awe of the thickness of your skin. I not only, seen your hair, I lifted you up to my face, rubbing it up and down against my cheek. I rubbed my finger up and down your  perfectly in tact nose. The nurse was giving me pain meds, taking my vitals, checking my incision, and you were screaming your head off. I lied there, with you in my arms screaming. I wasn’t hearing a thing. The nurse must have had enough, because she came up to the head of my bed, put her arm around me, smiled and said, “I think he may be hungry”. We untied my gown to see if you would latch onto me but you wanted nothing to do with breastfeeding. They asked me if it was okay to give you a bottle, because your blood sugar tested low. In which I agreed.

Family and friends came in and took over. Holding you, feeding you, changing you, and enjoying a new baby like they should. I must have fell asleep during visiting hours, because when I woke up. The room was empty, except daddy he was asleep. I pushed the call bell to ask them to bring you down and they did. I tried waking your dad up but he was dead to the world. I grabbed you out of your warmer to  hold and enjoy you in my arms. I thought for a minute, the lining around your lips was turning blue but chucked it up to nerves, then it happened again. I called the nurse, I  yelled he’s “turning blue” they raced in, grabbed you, held you up to the light, turned you from side to side, shaking her head saying “I don’t see anything”. She handed you back and I was scared frozen. She left the room. I held you like I was balancing a spoon on my nose. I looked down at you, without moving my head,  your lips turned blue again. I yelled and they came running. They held you up to the light, and said “were gonna take him down to the nursery, we can keep an eye on him”. She didn’t tell me she agreed.  I asked, her what she seen?  She said “we will keep an eye on him”. The old, no jumping to conclusions move. I know this move all to well, and it’s not a good place to be standing.

That night, they came in, and told me and your dad that your oxygen level was dipping down into the forties. They had to keep you in the neonatal unit, to observe you. They kept oxygen, by your bed, in case they had to use it. They said once it lowered it would rise back up instantly and because of it rising up, you didn’t have to wear the oxygen full-time. This is also called destating, it happens to premature babies, although you weighed eight pounds and six ounces, you were big, but little. They delivered you at thirty-six weeks, there is forty in gestation.

I shut down, when they gave me this news. It was another punch in the upper left side of my chest.There was no reason, for no hope, but to a grieving mother it’s all or nothing. I have sat on pins and needles ever since that day. I have beat myself up over these last years, realizing you were behind and blaming myself for holding you to close. Checking on you through the night, making sure, I seen the rise and fall, keeping you from others without being there, in case someone decided to run off with you, driving by the school playground just so I can see that your alive and well. I realized as I sat in the doctor’s office with you earlier today and pondered on all these thoughts as I watched you jumping, skipping, and rolling around on the floor.

That you are my sunshine

My only sunshine, son, you

make me happy when

skies are gray

only God knows how much

I love you and I know he can

take you any day.

I hand his life over to you, because, even here on earth, with me. He is still yours, and he needs you just as much as I do.

I sat at my twin boys grave, that day in August. I closed my eyes, visioning,  Jesus, holding both of my baby boys in each of his arms, swaddled perfectly, in white. In that field of green, and the bluest of skies with peace that surpasses all understanding.

Introducing, Freebird16 To The Platform

I want to introduce YOU to my dear friend.

I will try my best to give you an intro without spoiling anything she would like to write about. The name of her blog is Freebird16. She writes about being newly divorced, abuse, and love. I have been friends with her for six or seven years now. We met at work, the job I often talk about. We have sons who are around the same age and they have given us something in common. We started out meeting at the park with our boys, then she had my son and I come over. She guided my faith in Jesus, and confirmed to me that my dreams, and visions were real. She cried with me on more than one occasion about the loss of my twin boys. When she told me about her mother being sick, and how she would lie with her in bed, I knew she was someone I would want to spend my time knowing. I think you would as well. Please when you have a minute welcome her the way you have me. You as well have much to give. Even if it’s just a piece of advice, it will go a long way. Thank you

Freebird16, I would like to introduce you to some of the blogs, I roll with!

 

Hometogo, Dian was the first blogger who followed me. She showed me how to find and create a layout, how to create an about me page, how to tag, and also supported me through a few dark post, she did this not even knowing me and I-am grateful to have come across her. I wouldn’t be the professional, popular, blogger, today without her. She has gone through a lot this past year and does not post as much as she used to. When she does she talks about depression, family, her single mother, and her life with her husband.

Raspberry’s Daydreams, Raspberry was my second follower. She has read and commented on my blogs from the beginning. She’s encouraged me with her comments and responded with heartfelt concern. I dig Raspberrys photos, food, and marriage. The fact she lives in Singapore makes her life even more interesting.

Hummingbird Redemption, Raphael is someone you want to follow as well. She has an amazing survival story, she home schools her daughter, and they’re constantly out on the town exploring and learning. Her writing is just as eccentric as she is. She grabs the heart usually in the middle of her post, I love how she twist and turns your heart in her writing.

Thelonerose, She is good people. I think you may be following her, but I still want to mention her blog. She has lost it all. She has a way of writing on grief that I can’t explain but it’s moving. She lets you in on her every day life all the way down to the guy who delivers her groceries. I also like that she gets involved with her readers and involves you in her walk. She’s down to earth and if she lived near me. I know we would have coffee and hang out.

DearLilyJune, She writes life lessons of what she has learned to her daughter. She writes on mental illness, marriage, love, and lots more. Her writing is clean, she’s descriptive, and always heartfelt. She is another gal, I think we could be friends in life. I will tell her now why I have the chance. We are both in the Mid-West just so she knows…

Last but not least

Opinionated Man, You will learn a lot of do’s and do not’s, you will meet other bloggers, and he will be a voice in your head, if you can roll with his flow. You don’t have to agree with everything. I have taken his advice on several things when it has come to my blog, He didn’t steer me wrong at all. He always gets back to you when you ask questions and he’s busy but always makes time.

Enjoy yourself freebird, blogging takes time. I think if you stick with it, you will find people like yourself. If it’s just a few, it’s the greatest thing in the world to meet people who understand where you’re coming from.

 

A Stranger, A baby, The Doctors Office, Any Thoughts?

I had an appointment, with the doctor’s office today. I left about 1: 40. I planned out which route I was taking and figured, I had plenty of time. I ended up being off on my directions. I realized I wasn’t making time like I should. I  started talking out loud to the drivers around me, my heart sped up, my breathing sounded like I just finished a marathon, I put my blinkers on and pulled over on the side of the road. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down. Then decided to type the address into the gps. I thought about calling the office and telling them to forget it, but pressed on. When I got there, I rode  an elevator to the fourth floor. I checked in at the desk. They told me my doctor was one floor down, I went down to the third floor and checked in.

They called me back. They checked my vitals, asked me what was going on, and  ran a few test. I had asked them to refer me to a specialist. After giving me a new medicine; she asked if it was okay if they could get back with me tomorrow. They were a  nurse down and running behind. I told them it was okay by me. On my way out, I decided to ask the front desk for a doctor’s note, just in case my job wanted proof of my visit. The lady told me she would ask the nurse in the mean time, have a seat. It will be a minute.

I headed towards the back and couldn’t help but notice a  thin woman, with shoulder link, dirty blonde hair, and a baby seat at her feet. The baby was cooing, screaming, jabbering, and laughing at the fact his mom was in his presence. I sat down and he was making his joyful noise. I looked over contemplating to ask her if I could see him. I decided to leave well enough alone. I checked my email, social network, and games, I hear a woman say, “mam” I looked up. That thin blonde says, “My phone broke seven days ago can I use yours? I need to call my mom.”  Sure you can! She dials her number “Mom can you pick up Zoe? The doctor’s office is running behind. Matt says she’s been missing me lately.” I think her mom asked her again what she said, because she repeated Matt says she’s been missing me lately. They said goodbye. She handed my phone back, and said thank you. She said she had been sitting in the waiting room for a while. I explained that one nurse was doing the job of two. She said she was looking forward to seeing her daughter and that her daughter loved being a big sister.

She took about three steps back. Grabbed the car seat, putting this short, chunky, fuzzy, light red-headed, brown-eyed, hunk, of burning baby love. Right smack dab in front of this BABY FEVER MAMA!

He gave me that look, babies give when they don”t turn their head, just there eyes. We were both in a stare down. She whipped out her wallet, showing me her daughter, then tells me she has two more but they’re her husbands. I’m still in a trance with the baby and trying to focus on what she’s saying. I gave him a big smile and asked him if he had stranger danger, in my softest, overwhelmed with joy way. His mom is telling  me she lives with this baby boys father and his two kids. They have full-time. The state took the children permanently from their mother. We live with his grandma because she raised him since he was born. “How many children do you have?” I have one boy with my husband and he has two children with his ex-wife. “Does he see them a lot”  He sees them about four times a year, give or take a few. “I can’t have any more children, did you know, they take the whole fallopian tube out now, when you get a hysterectomy” no, I did not. ” Do you think you will have anymore” Well, I’m pushing forty more than thirty, my sources say, no. “I’m thirty-five and understand where you’re coming from” The baby begins to work up a fuss. She rocks him with her foot, it’s not helping, she bends down to pat his head and he starts crying. ” I didn’t want to bring him to my appointment today”  I asked my mom, my friend, and my boyfriend, all they had to do was sit with him while I went into the office” The lady from the front desk comes up and hands her gift certificates to the Bean counter, it’s a coffee shop. “These are for you, since you have been waiting a while”  She says: “thank you” and the nurse comes out and calls her name to see the doctor. “It was nice to meet you”  I said likewise. Then I bent down to that short, chunky, fuzzy red-headed, brown-eyed, hunk, of burning baby love, with my softest, overwhelmed with joy way and said it was nice meeting you more!

His cheeks shot up to his eyes, making them wider, brighter, just like he made my day!

I wrote

The last post  to build more story, Does anyone else use this method?

It was hard trying to keep some sort of normalcy for Gabe while “Saltine Cracker” was fighting for his life. My friend Audra, named her, her first name. We finished her middle and last. We bought her at Pet Smart when she was Ten weeks old. She had light green feathers, two or three red feathers under her right-wing, a black tail, with a black cap head and a sweet disposition. Gabe ruffled those green feathers of hers one to many times. Towards the end of her life if she was out of her cage. She enjoyed sitting by him and watching his every move. When he “tried” to pick her up she would peck him! She loved my husband because he was the one who held her, cleaned her cage, and fed her. Steven acted like he always does during sad times. The middle wrinkle on his forehead gets bigger, his face looks clammy, he shuts down, and always look as if he’s about to flee the scene. When I asked him if he was okay he said he was feeling stressed out and he hated to see Saltine die.

When calling my mom for comfort, she asked me if we were taking care of the bird. She said when she was here last the bird was picking at itself. First off, that is what birds do, it’s called Preening. Lets just say when my moms bird died it had lost all its feathers. Saltine was loaded to the gills with feathers! My parents did not like the bird. They said it was the source for Gave and I always being sick.

My friend Audra had lost her cat the night before, my friend Nico lost her gecko, minutes before my bird died. I felt uncanny about how close together they all died and wondered if something was in the air. I mentioned my thoughts to Steve, he didn’t say much. I have to watch my thoughts. My anxiety gets the best of me. This last year I have had panic attacks. I TAKE medicine for them but it doesn’t ALWAYS help. I have heard if a bird drops dead it is usually the sign of a gas leak. At one point during this turmoil I just knew the air in our home was looking smokey, everything around me was blurry, and my stomach was bilious. I couldn’t tell you what snapped me out of it, maybe the medicine?

I had also taken a pregnancy test this same night and we found it negative. We have been trying for another baby for about three years now and haven’t had any news. We are not devastated just disappointed. It’s hard to believe the sun is going down on this part of my life.

Stay tuned