Cleaning

February 24, 2015March 1, 2015 shelie2712 Comments

Every now and again I deep clean parts of my house and it’s always the kitchen, because it is where I spend most of my time. No, not always cooking and eating!

Steve and I sit at the table in the morning on our days off catching up with one another about the week, we color and often go over Gabes letters and numbers and when my friends come by its usually where we sit in catch up.

When my grandma was living and even in my parents house til this day, like I said before the table has never “caught anything but good food and conversation” this has been an ongoing memory of mine.

One conversation my mind goes back to is a vacation I came back from visiting a childhood friend in the Black Hills of South Dakota. I don’t have a lot of time to go into detail about the vacation right now.

When I got back home I went straight over to “grams” house afterwards and she loved to travel as well, so she fixed us a cup of coffee and sat them down at her kitchen table and told me to tell her all about my trip.

In the middle of the conversation I started crying because it was so hard leaving the company of a good friend and the scenery was just as peaceful and beautiful as the talks my friend and I shared during the visit. Grabbing my hand and comforting me as she always did she said “sweetheart” ” a Vacation would not be a vacation if we didn’t have to come home” and she was right, it never would have been what it was to me if I had lived there.

My “grams” gave me wisdom, comfort, she also gave me my dad who is lots more like her than he cares to admit. He too can tell you the truth as well but silence the pistol and you can hear the conversation that is going on inside the conversation. All this came to me today when cleaning and finding a gift from Qvc she gave me years ago that we didn’t need then but we could sure use now.

Eight years almost on the twenty-eighth you been gone “grams” and your still here with me, you knew what you were doing all those years and because of all those evening and morning talks at your table I just close my eyes and their you are and once again you silence the pistol of being gone.

Daily Post

Daily Post – Waiting Room

November 18, 2014March 1, 2015 shelie278 Comments

This was originally posted in July 2014.

Life In My Tin Can

PromptWaiting Room Good things come to those who wait.” Do you agree? How long is it reasonable to wait for something you really want?

This is an older post originally from July 2014, but to me it fit so well with the waiting room theme. My blog is fixed for now until we hit turbulence again. Over the years I have grown to like a bit of a malfunction because of the aftermath it has on us, were never the same just a bit rearranged…

My one year anniversary is coming up and If I learned anything it’s that blogging takes lots of patients and time. Blogging does not just happen overnight eventually it comes to you in bits but nothing more and a whole lot of less.

I should really explain myself.

Before signing on with this blogging platform, I went out on the internet to try to figure…

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Daily Post

Daily Post (Turn The Table)

November 9, 2014March 1, 2015 shelie272 Comments

Prompt: Someone’s left you a voicemail message, but all you can make out are the last words: “I’m sorry. I should’ve told you months ago. Bye.” Who is it from, and what is this about?

You had finally called me that day to tell me you were sorry for the last year of not knowing what you wanted…

You had decided to pursue this relationship.

You asked me if you could call me after you got off work.

I was thrilled

You said it would be pretty late around ten or eleven but the time was fuzzy.

Ten came and ten went.

Eleven came and eleven went.

Twelve came and twelve went.

One O Clock my grief was more like the death of a loved one.

I walked down the long dark hallway.

I laid diagonal across my roommates four-post bed.

The black night was like a spotlight on the white cordless phone.

I dialed up the storyline and played it over and over again in hopes the line would beep and I could click over to my happiness.

I don’t know how long I held on to the phone that night but I do know how long I have held on to you.

Today I wanted to tell you it was over.

I am in love for the second time in my life.

Sorry for your loss!

Daily Post

Daily Post Free writing (Gloomy Murph)

October 2, 2014March 1, 2015 shelie274 Comments

Prompt: Our weekly free-write is back: take ten minutes — no pauses! — to write about anything, unfiltered and unedited. You can then publish the post as-is, or edit a bit first — your call.

My dog is laying on the floor, a thunderstorm is rolling in. I hear what may be a train whistle but it’s so far away I cannot tell if that is what it is or not? The “Tin Can” is getting darker and darkerand I must admit my stomach has butterflies. I want to get off here so I can look at the weather update but I only have ten minutes. The curtain is flying open, people are outside chatting about something. It made my heart beat a bit faster wondering if it was the weather they were talking about. There is rumbling now, my dog got up quietly and strolled back to our room. It’s silent but the fan sounds like a high-speed clock about to blow at anytime! I also hear some water trickling into what seems to be a pile of more water; my bird is chirping and I just looked over at him. He is in his hammock….a hammock for our bird is green, fuzzy, and looks more like a tunnel but its called “hammock”. The rain has picked up and I am not in the best of spirits because I feel everyone including this post and myself is much like the fan in my living room.

Twins

ONE QUESTION

September 23, 2014September 23, 2014 shelie2727 Comments

This is the one chance you have to become my friend let me tell you a bit about myself first.

My name is Shelley, I am married now six crazy passionate years we have a little boy who soon will be five he goes to pre-k and daycare when we all are home together I like to stay home with them, Let me be the first to tell you my husband and I have had our problems but were happy, I talk about my problems all the time, my husband calls me “mellow dramatic” please know he is right,I always run late, I was late for my grandmas funeral, she already new this would happen, if someone or something hurts my feelings, I cry hard of course it’s a bit more controlled in public but if it really hurt I let loose when I get home, I tend to laugh when I am not supposed to, I have been trying to work on this please forgive me in advanced, I DO NOT COMPETE, My white flag will be up every time never have I been into competition and most likely it will stay that way, however I have two people who I have been jealous of, one my whole life I am not proud of this but it’s a work in progress, I have an eating problem that stems from my past I recently detected it when talking to my mother if we become close enough friends I have no problem laying that out on the table either, I don’t have a handle on the eating thing quite yet, I take too much on and often complain about it after the fact, just so you know, I will complain about my parents and cry to you about how I just don’t feel we all spend enough time together but besides the Holy Spirit they are the voices in my head, I spend lots of time deep in thought some things I say may not make since some of the time but if you know me you will let it slide, I will get irritated from time to time and be a bit snappy but know it’s not you and as my friend Chris once said “her bark is worse than her bite” and to let you in on a little secret she is right on the money.

With all this said I am always here for you or anyone for that matter. I don’t care what you have done, what you’re going to do, what heritage you are, where you live, what happened to you, what your on, what you might be on, who your cheating on, who you love who you’re going to love, who your still in love with, if you want kids, if you don’t, all that shit don’t matter to me of course some friends are closer than others that just the way life is, let me say this.

I am thirty-seven years old and have more than a handful of good friends the kind that know all my dirty little secrets and vice of versa, the kind who will come running if your broke down on the side of the road drunk at three o clock, the kind that are just as truthful to your face as they are behind your back, the kind that support all the things you have up your sleeve ninety percent of the time, the kind that will listen to you talk about your childhood and all the bullies and understand that you have battled moving forward but hug you and let you know their sorry in some kind of way, the kind that will speak to a nurse at three am in the morning because you’re so drugged up on morphine at 23 weeks pregnant giving birth to babies whom will not be making it out of the hospital, the kind of friends who hold their tears back when you have to bury your babies because they want to be strong for you, the kind of friends who all want to be gathered around your side when you have to say goodbye, the kind of friends who hold you up so you can see over life’s crap.

So with all this said, I know what real friendship looks like. The real question is, Would you like to be friends with me the ball is in your court?

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/litmus-test/

Fiction

First Fiction short story (ever)

September 23, 2014March 1, 2015 shelie275 Comments

He barely lifted his head up off his giant dark cherry wood desk covered in papers,awaking from another good time the night before,he sees the sun creeping in from the thick wooden blinds in his office it makes his head hurt even worse,he draws his wrist in to see the time on his gold Rolex watch and knocks over the small thick glass of liquid all over his desk. He mumbles a few curse words but don’t have the energy for much else.

He puts his hands down flat on the desk to assist him in pushing himself up out of his chair as he stands up he brushes off the remains of the white powdery substance that dusted his Armani blazer,as he walks towards the window he can’t help but notices how his degree on the wall stands out because without it the wall would be empty, he admires his freshly painted burgundy wine walls that define his franklin sofa and chairs, looking up at the tray ceiling begins to make him dizzy, but he gets distracted by the chatter and laughter outside he gently peeks through his wooden blinds as if he’s trying to be sneaky and sees two small children with their parents playing in water fountain in front of his downtown office, he slowly looks away and walks back over to his desk sits back down bleakly staring at the beautiful freshly painted wall in front of him. The silence of the dark room overwhelms him with grief no one has ever been so truthful.

Children · Family · Home · memories

My Spin on the memory

September 15, 2014March 1, 2015 shelie274 Comments

Someone once asked me where I might be without my dad and to tell you the truth when thinking about the question it feels like I am underwater without the option to swim up to the surface. Yes there are other family members in my life who have shown me love and eventually we will get to them. For right now it is my dads time.

He always talked with me when I was little and looking back now I can tell you he was always in engaged in our conversation. One ongoing conversation he would have constantly was about strangers and safety tips especially with men it would go something like this.

1.) Never get into a car with someone you don’t know

2.) Never take candy from anyone unless I okay it first. (every Halloween after my brother and I were done trick or treating it was a tradition we would all sit on the floor, he would dump it out and go through every piece even throwing some away he wasn’t sure of Do you remember that Big Bro? Good times).

3.) Never let anyone threaten you by saying they will hurt dad, if you tell him. Always tell me no matter what they say then tell them “To go Fly a Kite”

Believe it or not I told one of my friends older brothers “To Go Fly a Kite” one time and it worked! (We won’t go into that story because I don’t think my long lost friend had the latter and I think of her quite often and wonder if she is alright,I was saved from a lifetime of darkness from some understanding of others.) After our talks on this particular subject, he would come right down to my level, look me in the eyes and tell me “dad could never live without you if something happened to you “sis I love you so much” Into my adult years with time getting away from us never once have I questioned his love. My three brothers know exactly what I mean.

The older I get the more I talk or write about these memories. Which all started in a writing class and church. I am able to sift through these memories and see what the power of love has done when the dark clouds have moved in and find I was never alone.

One day in the first grade my dad had to take my older brother for an appointment. My older brother has got about four years on me so usually after school got out he would meet me in front and we would walk right over to daycare which was on the left and about thirty or forty steps away.

The night before my brothers appointment my dad was like a broken record “sis after you get out of school walk straight over to the daycare don’t stop or talk to anyone” giving me another one of his great hugs and repeating himself again the next morning when dropping me off “sis I love you see you tonight”.

When heading out the doors of the school that afternoon with a bit of freedom I couldn’t help but stand in the middle of the sidewalk soaking up the hot sun after being inside most of the day. I have always lagged behind a bit because of my need to look around at everything going on, some people call it nosy. I guess the shoe fits a little but most of my intentions have never been bad.

I don’t know exactly the time I took standing there but a man starting calling out my name it took me a little bit to look over because I wasn’t expecting anyone and thought he may have been talking to someone else then he calls out again! I look over and see an older man yelling out his passenger side window in the driver seat and motioning with his hand to come over.. Looking over at the daycare and back at the man again for some reason I decided to walk on over to him.

The man had dirty blonde sweaty hair that looked like he had not yet brushed it, he had jean shorts on and they were frayed, He was leaned over a bit and when I had got to the passenger side door of his rusty green car he opened it up and said “Your dad asked me to pick you up get in”! I grabbed the side of his door and just stood there looking at the daycare and back at him again “S hurry up we are already late and I don’t want him to get mad at me”

I started to get confused, my throat was drying up and I couldn’t swallow, my heart was pounding, my hand was sliding down the side of the door with it being wet from sweat “get in honey” looking at him once more and over at the daycare with a slow cracky voice I said “my dad told me to go straight to the daycare” “he changed his mind get in” I just kept hearing my dads voice play a few times over “sis go straight over to the daycare it just kept on to the point I could no longer think of nothing else. I slammed his door shut and ran like hell and didn’t stop until I was “safe” inside when walking in not one person said a thing just a normal day to everyone and even if I said anything being the place it was they wouldn’t have believed me but I had never been so glad to be there.

I kept this story hidden for a long time in fear of people not believing me. My dad and mom are aware of the situation now but I want to share with them my take on the matter.

This memory here is how far back I can acknowledge listing to the Holy Spirit.

My dad was plucked out to raise me cause god knew through your love dad it would reveal who he was, it was you who introduced me to god through no words but actions. You taught me to see evil by teaching me what good really looked like. The air was THICK with love That day and the light you gave me was ON and once again you lead me home.

Children · Twins

A memory of six years ago

August 5, 2014March 17, 2015 shelie2714 Comments

The fog has separated these last six years where I am able to see ahead of me but every so often a bit of it drifts over in front of me and me being me I pull over to the side to wait for it to clear up again and forward I continue to go but slowly.

Two weeks after my twins passed away from being born premature, I had to go in for a check up at the doctor’s office. I checked in and sat down in the waiting room.

All the new babies and beautiful bellies were popping out in 3D. I was starting to develop a lump in my throat, being in a public place where no one knows what is going on with one another except happiness of the future. I didn’t want to have a break down and steel every ones thunder. So staring dead ahead is what helped me to stay focused enough not to lose it!

A lady I used to babysit for in my yester years walked up to the desk,it had been over seven or eight years since we seen or talked to each other, I thought about saying hello and decided it was not in my best interest. I put my head down and moved further back away from everyone.

The nurse called me back to see the doctor and my tears were able to start falling. When I got into the room she was already in their waiting for me. She motioned me to sit down in the chair across from her. She put her hands on each side of my legs and asked me.

How are you feeling Shelley?

Empty

Do you want to hurt yourself?

No.

Shelley I am sorry if I could give you a baby I would. Is there anything at all I can do to help you with your sadness?

Yes. Can you give me a minute alone in here?

She shook her head yes gave me a hug and walked out the door.

I tilted my head back on the wall, scooted down into the chair with my legs stretched straight out in front of me. I closed my eyes and pretended my stomach was full of active healthy babies kicking and rolling around the way they always did and that this was a regular visit, I pretended my due date was right around the corner and I would soon go into to full term labor, I pretended of my family uniting instead of fighting, I pretended of holding you in joy instead of this cold, dark hellish nightmare we were in and the doctor would come back in and tell me you were both doing wonderful, I didn’t want to lift my heavy head off the wall but when I did the small, empty, dull room greeted me to the truth.

I could hear all the staff chattering outside the door. I wondered what they all were thinking of me. I opened the door to my reality and what they had already known, about me. They extended their arms and apologies towards me because I am a grieving mother to two sweet boys in heaven.

Gabe and willy 08/04/08 — ” I ache for the day I can kiss your foreheads and hold you in my arms again” Danielle Walker

Daily Post

Daily Post – Waiting Room

July 7, 2014March 1, 2015 shelie276 Comments

Prompt Waiting Room Good things come to those who wait.” Do you agree? How long is it reasonable to wait for something you really want?

I should really explain myself.

Before signing on with this blogging platform, I went out on the internet to try to figure out where to start it directed me to a few places. For some reason those platforms did not work out. They just didn’t feel right. Some of them connected me to other sites of mine and it wasn’t what I was looking for. I wanted something low-key at first so after I was established I would share it with others, if I felt the need.

When climbing on board here there was no one helping me I never blogged before. I didn’t know what a dashboard was, a theme, I wrestled with was a text a post, how do I find people all this along with barely any typing skills whatsoever. Which still need some working on along with my grammar.

What started this blogging idea was I took an english class a few years ago where I first learned to write an essay. I know that’s awful being a bit slower in school, not paying attention to the teacher, and worrying about everyone else and what they were doing has me feeling regretful at thirty-seven. If there was one thing I could go back and do it would be school. I would have tried harder, focused more on my school work than my life outside school. Some of that was not all my fault but that’s another post.

When I took this English class and applied myself, It opened me up to a whole new world. What it did was expanded my vocabulary a bit and Instead of jabbering on paper like I used to. I was writing stories about my life and somewhat staying on the subject. Which allowed me to share my life where people could somewhat understand.

I have done everything the hard way my whole life. Even things out of my power. When I was twelve I had congenital heart defect and had to get a bunch of angioplasty where the doctor threads a thin tube through a blood vessel in my groin up to the involved site in the valve. Then he expands the valve with a balloon. They did this every year from eight till thirteen it was no longer effective. Then they had to go in and open up my heart, which wasn’t even the hard part. Days after many sleepless nights of hard breathing. My grams noticed I was filling up with water. because of a pocket on my back had got so full she could see the water, also known as Congestive heart failure. Four hours from drowning in my own fluid they rushed me into surgery putting a chest tube right into my incision and drained more than two liters of water off me.I know its come to past but it is still a great part of the person I have become. Thankful for my life.

I understand that the struggle of blogging is not that severe but it still has been challenging to me because it’s a process of reading, learning, and trying to figure things out by asking questions and waiting days for responses, trying to make it half way presentable since presentation has lots to do with the people you may or may not pull in. Since this has been more for my well-being for now I have thrown the presentation to the wind. When I get the time to write these days it just feels so good to me. So writing is my focus.

I also believe our struggles brings us to our greatest joys.

In my basic college English class we read a book it’s not letting me tell you what it is but it’s about a kid who is now an author who got grounded as a little boy. He had to write obituaries for an old lady who was appointed this job in their small town they lived in. To me he really didn’t deserve to get grounded but that’s my opinion. He really gets a lot of static from kids cause he can’t do things like play ball or got to the movies, even playing outside in his own yard! his mother makes him mow the lawn, take care of the animals and even help her barter so their family can eat while others kids get the life of Riley!

In my book report at the end of the class. I wrote lets face it nothing good comes out of life without a struggle. Jack Gantos wouldn’t have been able to write this book without his childhood. Sometimes those are the best stories and builds character.

You end up appreciating things when they don’t come easy and fast.

The other day at an origami party I made a necklace with a memorial to my twins who passed away five years ago in premature labor. I have been wanting to do this for a long time. I also put my little guy in there because he couldn’t be left out and neither could my husband, at the end of the party the host said what about you what do you like to do? don’t you want to put something in their that represents what you like?

Yes! I like to write I have a blog. Do you have a pin charm? No I am sorry we don’t. My response as usual that’s okay I will wait.

Children · Family · Home

Two days ago

April 25, 2014March 20, 2015 shelie2711 Comments

The other day my little guy was sitting on my lap, which is few and far between these day. So while he was up their I thought I would take full advantage of the moment.

Me: So what is your favorite color?

Him: Red

Me: What is your favorite t.v show

Him: Sponge Bob (yea I know)

Me: What is your favorite game

Him: Sponge Bob (Don’t Judge)

Me: What is your favorite food

Him: Waffles

Me; Who is your favorite person

Him: You MOM!!!

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away”

This was one of those moments for me. I thought it was sharable.