Long Time No Talk

I know how much you’ve missed me… I’ve been missing you too. And that’s on the real.

I think, all of you, will be happy to know, I’m reading my second book since the year 2009. I’m bound and determined to finish what I’ve  started. I ask that you stay with me, through my hiatus?

The book I’m reading, is “fiction”.

To tell the truth I’m not a fan of fiction. I thrive on real life stories of people who have survived addictions, abuse, and illnesses.

I love when people dig into themselves and all their obstacles life has given them.

The book, I’m reading, might be based on SOME truths. In my opinion!

I believe the Lord does give us visions and dreams. I have written about them in some of my blogs.

Yes, the book is about an encounter with God!

One time, I dreamed, I was walking on clouds in the sky.Walking cotton ball after cotton ball. For miles.

To my right there were tables with blinding white tablecloths. There were people of all kinds surrounding these tables.

They all had porcelain skin, skin so radiant their glow would guide you through any black night. They were watching me, and I them.

The walk didn’t seem to bother me.

I felt time on my side, and nothing hanging on my shoulders. I felt like a piece of fuzz from a dandelion someone blew into the air.

The people whom turned my head, appeared the same way.

In front of me, far into the distance.

I seen a woman with her hand up. She waved back and forth, like a flag in a gentle breeze. At first I squinted my eyes, and forehead, in wonder, who this could be?

I got closer, and  recognized my Grandma.

She looked to be in her late forties early fifties. Her skin smooth and radiant just like I described the other people to you..

Her hair was short, black, thick, freshly, curled, and set. I waved back at her as she stared into my eyes, with that smile that lit up her cheeks. I had to keep moving with the clouds and she kept moving too, staying in the distance, letting me know she’s always with me.

A GIFT from God, I BELIEVE to get me through the times we are not together…

Fiction or Non Fiction?

You’re FREE to decide.

Day One, Of Three, Quote Challenge

I have been nominated by Dru, three quotes for three days challenge, thank you for thinking of my blog. I look forward to reading more about your life!

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When I read this quote, I think of my grandma, and her love for me. She had a box of things she saved, from my childhood. When she passed my dad gave the box to me. When I got to the bottom of the box there was a pink strip of paper. I grabbed the piece of paper out of the box and flipped it over. She had typed: “Shelley you have been a joy to my life and grandma loves you very much” I feel her love with me, even in her death.

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When my son was born, I learned about boundaries and the meaning of them. I had to put him first as far as his safety was concerned, not just physically, mentally too. There are people, who are toxic and can ruin my son and his mind. I wish I could go into the story, but unfortunately it would not be right of me. I can still love them but form a distance. I have been able to do this with ease now. If I set a boundary on behalf of my family I do so, to live out our plan, to raise my child the way I wish.

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This used to be my “tag line” for my blog. If you read my post, you know my search is internal. I’ve realized freedom in the spirit not earthly but heavenly.

These challenges should be for anyone who wants to do them. I’m not sure, why certain people have to be picked. Who knows. I have waited a long time to participate in this challenge. I’m going to spare you on how long. I should have just hopped on the train and not cared. I should have done the challenge anyway. If it’s in you, to hop on board, the three-day challenge of quotes, don’t let this dinky linky blog hold you back!!

Hanging On To My family By A Thread

This morning hasn’t started off good. I had made an appointment, a  month ago, for today. I thought it was for ten-o-clock but it was for nine-o-clock, which is weird, Gabe starts school around then. This was the second time, they have re-scheduled me. The receptionist called me at nine, asking if I was there?  I said no, I thought it was at ten? She shuffled through her papers while continuing to say hmm, “no, my Calendar says nine” (swallowing crow) I said: it’s my fault and I’m nowhere near the office, I’m sorry. I talked to my mom a bit about the situation. She told me to start writing things down, and how there is an app, that will remind you, of the appointments you have.

It’s all well in good, but writing things down is a downfall of mine. I hung up the phone and checked the weather. I noticed one of the anchor ladies, on the news site. Stacey Skrysak. My mother had posted this post of her’s, on my fb page, a while back ago. It has been my favorite piece of writing ever since.

My eye’s filled up this morning with tears as I read her post this morning. I thought about having to wait another month to get Ativan for my panic-attacks. They come on like a deer jumping out in front of your  car. I do have some daily medication, it don’t always cut it. It helps but not fully.

They started over a year ago.

One night, around three, I woke up to what felt like a water hose of adrenaline filling up my body. I shot STRAIGHT UP into a sitting position and gasped for air, slid out of bed, and into the bathroom. Where I noticed my melons shaking back and forth with every beat of my heart. I thought about taking a Xanax that belonged to my husband. I stared at them thinking about the knowledge I knew. With being a nurses aid. My heart was going to need medical assistance and the hospital would not like to hear that I took medication that was not mine.

I woke up my husband and told him he would have to stay with our son. I called the ambulance to take me to the emergency room. He hated doing such, but all in all this is why we have each other. I told him to take him to school in the morning and he could meet me afterwards.

When the ambulance picked me up. I walked out and climbed into the back and laid on the stretcher. The guy started to put in a Iv. He told me if  my heart rate did not slow down he was going to be ordered to give me a medicine, that basically stops the heart for a second. He did not want to have to use it on the ambulance but would if he had too. He asked me some questions about my life. I was able to get comfortable with him. I asked if he had seen this happen with a lot patients? “all the time” we got to the hospital and they had a room waiting for me and started asking me questions.

Had I taken illegal drugs?

Did I take anything at all?

I told them a Sudafed, actually two within that day.

If you took anything illegal, you can tell us, we won’t turn you in?

No, I did not take any drugs!

The doctor came in and ordered medicine that would drip slow. He thought it may help bring down my heart-rate and if he could bring it down. He could see more about what was going on.

I laid there in that one moment, thinking this could be the beginning to the end of my life.

Who knows, what they would tell me?

I’ve had a heart problem before.

Where there is one rat there are a hundred more you don’t see.

What about my husband, my son, my dad, my mom, how will they get through it?

I’ve been in the shallow part of water when it comes to loosing a child

After placing my feet on dry land, I changed.

In one blink of one eye

I lost a family of four. I lost a piece of my husband, my sons Will and Gabe, I lost half of myself, and any thought that life, would last into our thirties, forties, fifties, sixties, seventies, and so on. I lost being grateful, for my family, when hearing of another families misfortune. Because just as you thank God it wasn’t your son or your daughter. You’re  thinking to soon. I’m thankful every second, every minute, of every hour for the life with my family.

The fear I have, isn’t the dying part. It’s the loss, the grief, one would have to feel. It’s the hollowness in a room filled with furniture, clothes, and toys. The silence when all you want to hear is crying. The passerby’s you don’t know but wish you did, so they would stop for a second, while you try to wrap your head around what had happened. It’s the guilt and the choices you made before the boom. It’s the guilt that your gone and I’m here. It’s the triggers, like missing an appointment to the psychiatrist.

The other day I was reading another writers post on loss. Her words as a survivor touched my heart.  “I have to keep living and loving because they can’t. And it breaks my heart. And it mends it too”

 

 

 

Introducing, Freebird16 To The Platform

I want to introduce YOU to my dear friend.

I will try my best to give you an intro without spoiling anything she would like to write about. The name of her blog is Freebird16. She writes about being newly divorced, abuse, and love. I have been friends with her for six or seven years now. We met at work, the job I often talk about. We have sons who are around the same age and they have given us something in common. We started out meeting at the park with our boys, then she had my son and I come over. She guided my faith in Jesus, and confirmed to me that my dreams, and visions were real. She cried with me on more than one occasion about the loss of my twin boys. When she told me about her mother being sick, and how she would lie with her in bed, I knew she was someone I would want to spend my time knowing. I think you would as well. Please when you have a minute welcome her the way you have me. You as well have much to give. Even if it’s just a piece of advice, it will go a long way. Thank you

Freebird16, I would like to introduce you to some of the blogs, I roll with!

 

Hometogo, Dian was the first blogger who followed me. She showed me how to find and create a layout, how to create an about me page, how to tag, and also supported me through a few dark post, she did this not even knowing me and I-am grateful to have come across her. I wouldn’t be the professional, popular, blogger, today without her. She has gone through a lot this past year and does not post as much as she used to. When she does she talks about depression, family, her single mother, and her life with her husband.

Raspberry’s Daydreams, Raspberry was my second follower. She has read and commented on my blogs from the beginning. She’s encouraged me with her comments and responded with heartfelt concern. I dig Raspberrys photos, food, and marriage. The fact she lives in Singapore makes her life even more interesting.

Hummingbird Redemption, Raphael is someone you want to follow as well. She has an amazing survival story, she home schools her daughter, and they’re constantly out on the town exploring and learning. Her writing is just as eccentric as she is. She grabs the heart usually in the middle of her post, I love how she twist and turns your heart in her writing.

Thelonerose, She is good people. I think you may be following her, but I still want to mention her blog. She has lost it all. She has a way of writing on grief that I can’t explain but it’s moving. She lets you in on her every day life all the way down to the guy who delivers her groceries. I also like that she gets involved with her readers and involves you in her walk. She’s down to earth and if she lived near me. I know we would have coffee and hang out.

DearLilyJune, She writes life lessons of what she has learned to her daughter. She writes on mental illness, marriage, love, and lots more. Her writing is clean, she’s descriptive, and always heartfelt. She is another gal, I think we could be friends in life. I will tell her now why I have the chance. We are both in the Mid-West just so she knows…

Last but not least

Opinionated Man, You will learn a lot of do’s and do not’s, you will meet other bloggers, and he will be a voice in your head, if you can roll with his flow. You don’t have to agree with everything. I have taken his advice on several things when it has come to my blog, He didn’t steer me wrong at all. He always gets back to you when you ask questions and he’s busy but always makes time.

Enjoy yourself freebird, blogging takes time. I think if you stick with it, you will find people like yourself. If it’s just a few, it’s the greatest thing in the world to meet people who understand where you’re coming from.

 

A Stranger, A baby, The Doctors Office, Any Thoughts?

I had an appointment, with the doctor’s office today. I left about 1: 40. I planned out which route I was taking and figured, I had plenty of time. I ended up being off on my directions. I realized I wasn’t making time like I should. I  started talking out loud to the drivers around me, my heart sped up, my breathing sounded like I just finished a marathon, I put my blinkers on and pulled over on the side of the road. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down. Then decided to type the address into the gps. I thought about calling the office and telling them to forget it, but pressed on. When I got there, I rode  an elevator to the fourth floor. I checked in at the desk. They told me my doctor was one floor down, I went down to the third floor and checked in.

They called me back. They checked my vitals, asked me what was going on, and  ran a few test. I had asked them to refer me to a specialist. After giving me a new medicine; she asked if it was okay if they could get back with me tomorrow. They were a  nurse down and running behind. I told them it was okay by me. On my way out, I decided to ask the front desk for a doctor’s note, just in case my job wanted proof of my visit. The lady told me she would ask the nurse in the mean time, have a seat. It will be a minute.

I headed towards the back and couldn’t help but notice a  thin woman, with shoulder link, dirty blonde hair, and a baby seat at her feet. The baby was cooing, screaming, jabbering, and laughing at the fact his mom was in his presence. I sat down and he was making his joyful noise. I looked over contemplating to ask her if I could see him. I decided to leave well enough alone. I checked my email, social network, and games, I hear a woman say, “mam” I looked up. That thin blonde says, “My phone broke seven days ago can I use yours? I need to call my mom.”  Sure you can! She dials her number “Mom can you pick up Zoe? The doctor’s office is running behind. Matt says she’s been missing me lately.” I think her mom asked her again what she said, because she repeated Matt says she’s been missing me lately. They said goodbye. She handed my phone back, and said thank you. She said she had been sitting in the waiting room for a while. I explained that one nurse was doing the job of two. She said she was looking forward to seeing her daughter and that her daughter loved being a big sister.

She took about three steps back. Grabbed the car seat, putting this short, chunky, fuzzy, light red-headed, brown-eyed, hunk, of burning baby love. Right smack dab in front of this BABY FEVER MAMA!

He gave me that look, babies give when they don”t turn their head, just there eyes. We were both in a stare down. She whipped out her wallet, showing me her daughter, then tells me she has two more but they’re her husbands. I’m still in a trance with the baby and trying to focus on what she’s saying. I gave him a big smile and asked him if he had stranger danger, in my softest, overwhelmed with joy way. His mom is telling  me she lives with this baby boys father and his two kids. They have full-time. The state took the children permanently from their mother. We live with his grandma because she raised him since he was born. “How many children do you have?” I have one boy with my husband and he has two children with his ex-wife. “Does he see them a lot”  He sees them about four times a year, give or take a few. “I can’t have any more children, did you know, they take the whole fallopian tube out now, when you get a hysterectomy” no, I did not. ” Do you think you will have anymore” Well, I’m pushing forty more than thirty, my sources say, no. “I’m thirty-five and understand where you’re coming from” The baby begins to work up a fuss. She rocks him with her foot, it’s not helping, she bends down to pat his head and he starts crying. ” I didn’t want to bring him to my appointment today”  I asked my mom, my friend, and my boyfriend, all they had to do was sit with him while I went into the office” The lady from the front desk comes up and hands her gift certificates to the Bean counter, it’s a coffee shop. “These are for you, since you have been waiting a while”  She says: “thank you” and the nurse comes out and calls her name to see the doctor. “It was nice to meet you”  I said likewise. Then I bent down to that short, chunky, fuzzy red-headed, brown-eyed, hunk, of burning baby love, with my softest, overwhelmed with joy way and said it was nice meeting you more!

His cheeks shot up to his eyes, making them wider, brighter, just like he made my day!

Nosy

Some years back, we had a male resident at my present job. He was visually impaired, stood about 5 ‘1, thin, and buzzed light brown hair. His room had nothing on the walls, dresser, or bed. He hung around one lady at the home. Once a week a man my age now, would take him out to eat. When doing my med pass one night I walked by his door. I saw him sitting on the edge of his bed. I backed up a few steps and stood there looking in. One because he was as still as someone with a Bee on the end of their nose and secondly because I’m nosy.

He started to pray

“Thank you for the trees and leaves, thank you for the birds that sing, thank you for the rain and the sunshine, the cold days and the hot days, thank you for the good days and the bad days”

Every night Until the day he left I joined him in prayer at his door. This may have not been the right thing to do but because what I felt inside his prayer it felt right. This past few weeks have been rough.

Ten years and this prayer has come back to me and many other times as well. I can’t help but think all those years he spent praying, was for me.
To bring me back to what counts in life. I’m so thankful for that time I was on the outside looking in.

Reminder

I was in a residents room giving her, her medicine. She asked me to write down a phone number her  brother had left on her answering machine. I was just about to push play when the phone rang. I answered the phone “Longstckings  room”

“This is her brother, can she come to the phone”?

“Sure”

I handed the phone to her and she motioned me to wait there till she got off the phone. I stood listening to their conversation about how he would be home this year for Christmas. She had a smile from ear to ear on her red flushed face. She asked him how his kids were doing, his wife, and how long he would be here. She answered back  “Oh wow” and quickly her voice changed and her smile came down a few notches “I know you have to see your wife’s side of the family too.” The next questioned he asked was what she wanted for Christmas? She paused for a minute then said she could use a photo album, cold coffee, and cookies. She then said “you know what you could really do for me”?

Bring the girls to the home and can all go down to the dining room and listen to you play a few songs on the piano.

Million Dollar Night Gown

This post is older. I wanted to share it with you. I have gained three or four more followers since. I also wanted to thank all of you for following me and all your encouragement. You know how to make a gal feel welcome.. I have enjoyed your journey’s as well and look forward to many more of your post. Thanks again.

Life In My Tin Can

As a young girl my grandma helped my dad out a lot on the weekends. When my dad had to work. On Friday’s she would come to get me and my brother.

My grandma was a bit more laid back then my father with getting our way. We’d   go shopping for clothes, toys, and out to eat. You know the things most grandmas do?

She always enjoyed having us stay over.

The second you walked into her house it was like walking into a different world. She would greet us with a smile and hug. My childhood troubles would be lifted like a book-bag loaded with seven or eight books at her door. She would ask questions about our lives. What our you working on in school? Do you like your teacher? hows your dad been? I would answer her questions but tell her more about the bullies in…

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Apartment number 38

Hi-ho-eighty-body

Describe your last nightmare. What do you think it meant?

All last week I was busy, with my regular job, side job and spending time with family that I haven’t been able to sit-down and write. I couldn’t wait until today. I have a few hours for myself. I had planned on writing to all of you but my slate was blank. Then as I was looking at my reader my eyebrows raised up from the dead!

Nightmares: They have stuck by me my entire life. I can’t say that I have never had a good dream because it would be a lie. I wrote a poem not so long ago about windows which didn’t actually turn out the way I seen it but was one of the most symbolic dreams of my life. Do I believe dreams have a meaning? Yes, sometimes it’s a direct line from god to you. Go ahead and chuckle. We all have gifts and it says so here.

My dream!

My friend Christy decided to move to a gated community. She asked me to think about moving in? I decided to pop in for an unannounced visit one evening! It was spitting rain, foggy and only a few cars sat in the parking lot. I got out of my car to no voices, no birds chirping or wind blowing. I walked up the steel stairs to apartment number thirty-eight and loudly knocked! the door opened slow as she peeked her head from behind it, bleakly staring at me without a word. She walked over to her card table. On top of it was a black rotary phone. The phone rang and startled the crap out us! She answered hello in a mono tone voice. she answered yes, no, and said Thank you? After she hung up she informed  me she was going to step outside. I watched her walk down the stairs, pass the parking lot, to a vacant, dusty, storage unit. I decided to head down there. Upon arrival, my friend of twenty some years was holding a cigarette and trying to hide it. After all these years? I was just about ready to say something. Then out of nowhere I heard my name being called. It was muffled and faint but it was my name. I squinted my eyes looking around for whoever it was. Then over by the stairs I saw  what looked to be an old man with a brown, dirty, tattered cloak that covered is head. He barely made my name out as he motioned me over. The closer I got I noticed he or she was cradling something in his hand. When we came up on one another I could barely see his face to make out the sex of what was in front of me. The small baby he cradled in one arm looked like a blow up toy that had just been deflated. He held the baby out as to offer me to take him, I wept over his lifeless body as I wrapped my arms around him for a better grip. He opened up his mouth and took a bite out of my arm with his three sharp pointy teeth, I pressed through the pain without loosing a stride. We walked over to the storage shed, and went inside. The light rica shade off the glossy tiles making them look like porcelain, the showers were on and a blanket of clear water covered the tiles and my bare feet. I lathered the baby up with soap, hugs, and kisses over and over with each piece of affection his lifeless body begun to fill up. He became the full, beautiful, thriving baby he was created to be all because of love life was restored.

 

 

Be Kind And Rewind or (Weave)

Weaving The Threads: draft a post with three parts, each unrelated to the other, but create a common thread between them by including the same item-object, a symbol,- in each part.

Prompt: The summer of 1990 I was twelve or thirteen and had just had my open heart surgery. My parents one night during my recovery process decided to go out and have some dinner. My “grams told them to take a break and she would stay with me.

During their meal, they got acquainted with the waitress. She had asked them if they were from “around the area”? My parents told her no. We are staying at the Ronald McDonald House our daughter is recovering in the hospital from heart surgery. The waitress started crying at their table. She told them before she walked away she would be “right back” they thought she might have had to go and get a hold of herself? When she came back she had a chocolate cake and told them the meal was on the house!

This Christmas my husband and I decided not to use any credit cards. So When buying for our kids we made a budget for each one. Mind you his kids do not live here with us they stay with their mother in another state. So after getting a bit carried away. We started adding everything up. I had went over about twenty dollars on Gabe, so I had to quit. Gabe tells me two weeks before Christmas he wants a new bike, there was nothing I could do the gifts that we had bought were online and things he and needed as well.

I did not mention to anyone about this situation because I did not want to make others feel we were asking them for help.

A couple of days later my friend Audra text me. She works at a homeless shelter for woman. Every year they have a huge give away, a meal, clothes, and toys (new ones) for family’s who can’t afford presents for their kids. In her text she said they had one bike left, it had been given anonymously and even had “Training Wheels” if I wanted the bike it was mine to come pick it! The bike was red my son’s favorite color.

I have been blogging for over a year now and I want to publicly thank another blogger

Thank you for befriended me just a few days after I started this journey and telling me I could ask for help anytime. Then following through with your words. I would email her asking how to do the daily prompt,she sent me word for word instructions more than once, I messed up my blog by changing my username and ended up changing my url, it was a mess, I tried to fix it on my own by texting the site itself but did not get anywhere with that route,she even took up for me when the question that I had asked on this site was not clearly answered, she basically went out on her own and got my site all squared away, it took her lots of her own time. The other day I wrote a story on my facebook page and she had asked me in the comments “why  didn’t you write this on your blog”

Photo Credit: Www.sweetonveg.com

Photo Credit: Www.sweetonveg.com

Diane

Your words that day has put a Getty up in my blogging. I wasn’t for sure this cup of tea was for me, it’s getting better all the time Diane. Thank you and for the person you have shown me you are!