Shelley 37 of WordPress passed away during a vacation with her husband Steve thirty-nine and Gabe five. They were visiting Jersey Shore she wanted to introduce her son to the Ocean and had never been to the East Coast. During their visit to the shore her son swam out a bit to far in search for “Bikini Bottom” She was able to save him as she handed him off to her husband Steve her feet got caught in an old fish net, before it took her under she told Steve she was so thankful it was her out there instead of the alternative. The cost of coming home without her son was a deadly one.

She was preceded in death by her grandmother Norma and her two boys who were twins Gabe and Will who died shortly after birth.

Lucky To Be Alive, Father Dan (wife Lin), Mother Patty (husband Larry), sibilings by oldest Nate wife (Tabitha)Jeramey, Tim and Jacob

Her funeral will be held at Liberty Island, New York, NY Statue of Liberty National Monument at midnight where we will throw her ashes out into the water from the torch. Before “The Toss” fireworks will light up the night sky and there will be a BANG!

Children · Home

The Night Before Last

February 24, 2015March 20, 2015 shelie272 Comments

Gabe was standing in front of the kitchen sink on a chair, full of water, and the faucet on blast. He was dipping a yellow sponge up and down and through the faucet as fast as he could!

Steve: Gabe what are you doing?

Gabe: Dad, I am trying to make Sponge Bob come to life!

Children · Twins

A memory of six years ago

August 5, 2014March 17, 2015 shelie2714 Comments

The fog has separated these last six years where I am able to see ahead of me but every so often a bit of it drifts over in front of me and me being me I pull over to the side to wait for it to clear up again and forward I continue to go but slowly.

Two weeks after my twins passed away from being born premature, I had to go in for a check up at the doctor’s office. I checked in and sat down in the waiting room.

All the new babies and beautiful bellies were popping out in 3D. I was starting to develop a lump in my throat, being in a public place where no one knows what is going on with one another except happiness of the future. I didn’t want to have a break down and steel every ones thunder. So staring dead ahead is what helped me to stay focused enough not to lose it!

A lady I used to babysit for in my yester years walked up to the desk,it had been over seven or eight years since we seen or talked to each other, I thought about saying hello and decided it was not in my best interest. I put my head down and moved further back away from everyone.

The nurse called me back to see the doctor and my tears were able to start falling. When I got into the room she was already in their waiting for me. She motioned me to sit down in the chair across from her. She put her hands on each side of my legs and asked me.

How are you feeling Shelley?

Empty

Do you want to hurt yourself?

No.

Shelley I am sorry if I could give you a baby I would. Is there anything at all I can do to help you with your sadness?

Yes. Can you give me a minute alone in here?

She shook her head yes gave me a hug and walked out the door.

I tilted my head back on the wall, scooted down into the chair with my legs stretched straight out in front of me. I closed my eyes and pretended my stomach was full of active healthy babies kicking and rolling around the way they always did and that this was a regular visit, I pretended my due date was right around the corner and I would soon go into to full term labor, I pretended of my family uniting instead of fighting, I pretended of holding you in joy instead of this cold, dark hellish nightmare we were in and the doctor would come back in and tell me you were both doing wonderful, I didn’t want to lift my heavy head off the wall but when I did the small, empty, dull room greeted me to the truth.

I could hear all the staff chattering outside the door. I wondered what they all were thinking of me. I opened the door to my reality and what they had already known, about me. They extended their arms and apologies towards me because I am a grieving mother to two sweet boys in heaven.

Gabe and willy 08/04/08 — ” I ache for the day I can kiss your foreheads and hold you in my arms again” Danielle Walker

Daily Post

Daily Post – Waiting Room

July 7, 2014March 1, 2015 shelie276 Comments

Prompt Waiting Room Good things come to those who wait.” Do you agree? How long is it reasonable to wait for something you really want?

This is an older post originally from July 2014, but to me it fit so well with the waiting room theme. My blog is fixed for now until we hit turbulence again. Over the years I have grown to like a bit of a malfunction because of the aftermath it has on us, were never the same just a bit rearranged…

My one year anniversary is coming up and If I learned anything it’s that blogging takes lots of patients and time. Blogging does not just happen overnight eventually it comes to you in bits but nothing more and a whole lot of less.

I should really explain myself.

Before signing on with this blogging platform, I went out on the internet to try to figure out where to start it directed me to a few places. For some reason those platforms did not work out. They just didn’t feel right. Some of them connected me to other sites of mine and it wasn’t what I was looking for. I wanted something low-key at first so after I was established I would share it with others, if I felt the need.

When climbing on board here there was no one helping me I never blogged before. I didn’t know what a dashboard was, a theme, I wrestled with was a text a post, how do I find people all this along with barely any typing skills whatsoever. Which still need some working on along with my grammar.

What started this blogging idea was I took an english class a few years ago where I first learned to write an essay. I know that’s awful being a bit slower in school, not paying attention to the teacher, and worrying about everyone else and what they were doing has me feeling regretful at thirty-seven. If there was one thing I could go back and do it would be school. I would have tried harder, focused more on my school work than my life outside school. Some of that was not all my fault but that’s another post.

When I took this English class and applied myself, It opened me up to a whole new world. What it did was expanded my vocabulary a bit and Instead of jabbering on paper like I used to. I was writing stories about my life and somewhat staying on the subject. Which allowed me to share my life where people could somewhat understand.

I have done everything the hard way my whole life. Even things out of my power. When I was twelve I had congenital heart defect and had to get a bunch of angioplasty where the doctor threads a thin tube through a blood vessel in my groin up to the involved site in the valve. Then he expands the valve with a balloon. They did this every year from eight till thirteen it was no longer effective. Then they had to go in and open up my heart, which wasn’t even the hard part. Days after many sleepless nights of hard breathing. My grams noticed I was filling up with water. because of a pocket on my back had got so full she could see the water, also known as Congestive heart failure. Four hours from drowning in my own fluid they rushed me into surgery putting a chest tube right into my incision and drained more than two liters of water off me.I know its come to past but it is still a great part of the person I have become. Thankful for my life.

I understand that the struggle of blogging is not that severe but it still has been challenging to me because it’s a process of reading, learning, and trying to figure things out by asking questions and waiting days for responses, trying to make it half way presentable since presentation has lots to do with the people you may or may not pull in. Since this has been more for my well-being for now I have thrown the presentation to the wind. When I get the time to write these days it just feels so good to me. So writing is my focus.

I also believe our struggles brings us to our greatest joys.

In my basic college English class we read a book it’s not letting me tell you what it is but it’s about a kid who is now an author who got grounded as a little boy. He had to write obituaries for an old lady who was appointed this job in their small town they lived in. To me he really didn’t deserve to get grounded but that’s my opinion. He really gets a lot of static from kids cause he can’t do things like play ball or got to the movies, even playing outside in his own yard! his mother makes him mow the lawn, take care of the animals and even help her barter so their family can eat while others kids get the life of Riley!

In my book report at the end of the class. I wrote lets face it nothing good comes out of life without a struggle. Jack Gantos wouldn’t have been able to write this book without his childhood. Sometimes those are the best stories and builds character.

You end up appreciating things when they don’t come easy and fast.

The other day at an origami party I made a necklace with a memorial to my twins who passed away five years ago in premature labor. I have been wanting to do this for a long time. I also put my little guy in there because he couldn’t be left out and neither could my husband, at the end of the party the host said what about you what do you like to do? don’t you want to put something in their that represents what you like?

Yes! I like to write I have a blog. Do you have a pin charm? No I am sorry we don’t. My response as usual that’s okay I will wait.

Family · Home · love · Twins

Grateful

December 30, 2013November 5, 2015 shelie279 Comments

My little boy has a head full of dark brown wavy hair. I keep it cut short, it looks like a fitted helmet on his head. His eyebrows are dark and bushy, his brown eyes droop with long thick curled up lashes that you can ring out when wet, his skin is light brown an as smooth as ice, he has tiny dimples, and a smile that look as if he is trying to push out further. He is a complete doll.

The past six months we have set a bedtime hour a bit earlier so we can do some activities. He has started looking forward to this time and so have we. We read stories, sing a few songs, count and pray.Tonight we asked him to tell us a story of his own the story went something like this: ” The Spider crawled up mommy’s arm (using his two little chubby fingers he steps them up my arm) the rain came down splashed out the spider up came the sun and the spider lost his legs and could not walk”

After his story my husband starts reading a book one of my boys favorite books. He goes straight into the book not reading the title. My little guy says silly dad you forgot to read “Chuck and Friends” and he takes my husband back to the cover of the book. We all laugh for different reasons it was a good family moment. It plays back in my mind as I write it out and feels my heart with joy so thankful and glad to tuck it away in my time capsule in hopes he does the same. We start our counting from one to twenty trying to reach a pre school milestone. He gets stuck on thirteen and sixteen but other than that he is doing well and enjoys learning. He has got his own little accent he does while counting and laughs at himself all the way to twenty.

Tonight he was more wound up than usual. I warned him that we would cut it short if he did not straighten up, and of course being four he blew it. We told him we loved him and we would try again tomorrow. He started screaming bloody murder and chanting count, count, count. He eventually fell asleep he was so worn out it wasn’t long. I turned off the television, sat down on the couch and reflected.

I put the pen to paper so one day he can read about this memory and what he means to me as well.

I love you and try to say it many times over in hopes the words embed into your soul. If anything was gained when I lost your brothers it would be the value of life. Most so yours my little guy. I feel as though I can embrace our moments and in my soul know what they’re worth, because I know what it is like to be empty. To come home from a hospital after giving birth and have nothing, nothing in my arms to hold, nothing in the crib to place my eyes on, no baby to put baby clothes on, and milk but no baby to feed. This is the best way for me to explain such a feeling, at the end of the night while you say your prayer. My eyes survey the room at the toys on the floor, pictures on the wall, a bed filled up, with your beautiful head of hair showing. I graze my hand over your head and tilt mine back and say Oh Lord Thank you for filling me up. To you we are so grateful.

Daily Post · friendship · Home

Probation

December 4, 2013August 31, 2015 shelie274 Comments

Take A Chance On Me: What was the biggest chance you took? Did it work out?

I was twenty-one working in a daycare, taking care of babies. The daycare was large and had about 500 kids all together. The front desk had two happy well dressed woman sitting behind it. They were always smiling and greeting you by name. There was an elevator across from the desk, it ran to the second story of the building, when you got off you could go right or left, on the right was a short hallway that cut off into a tea, on the left side was a supervisor office and on the right side the owner of the building had her office. I always took the left turn and around the corner. I enjoyed the turn every morning before walking into my room. There were five infant rooms with windows. You could stand out and peak in at many tiny babies, back then we took care of babies who were just six weeks old. I enjoyed the job and the responsibilities because the job made me feel like I was doing my part to make the world a better place. I still had a lot of growing up to do during my spare time.

I had quite the group of friends that led to many nights out dancing, mingling, and meeting men. We always closed the bars down, meaning we did not leave until sometimes after three. This led to strolling in late to work most mornings and coming head to head with that perfect freshly pressed blonde supervisor. She seemed like she had it all together… ( there has always been something intimidating and admirable about a woman who has herself dressed to the nines first thing in the morning). She would look at her watch, shake her head, and purse her lips. I would walk straight to the elevator with my head down to my chest as far as it would go, standing waiting for the doors to open was like waiting for a punishment from your parents, when you were younger. I somehow managed to dodge her wrath.

THEN

One night got a bit out of hand. My friend (who also worked at the daycare) asked me if I wanted to go for a few drinks… It was the first time I tried Fuzzy Navels and they were going down like Niagara Falls. The few things I remember was leaving with my friend and two other guys, a fight that broke out in the parking lot, and falling up stairs. I woke up to the bright sun beaming on me in a hotel room (yes hotel room) I got up and ran to the bathroom to get sick, after my episode I stood up, creeped back in to the room with my head down, walked over to the clock, picked it up and with a glance a lump formed in my throat, it was eleven o clock. My shift started at eight. A big fat tear rolled down my face. I walked over and shook my friend. I asked her what should we do? Her answer: well its too late now we will just have to look for another job. She lived with her parents. I had my own place and enjoyed having my own place, plus I loved my job. It made me feel helpful, needed, and grown up. I had let myself down for the first time in my whole life. I got myself together and headed home and went straight to bed. I cried myself to sleep. I woke up later that evening thinking about how to make this right, regardless of the outcome. My plan was just calling and lying, for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to do that.

The next morning came in as slow as a snail. I got out of bed at six o clock, got breakfast, my shower, and put my makeup on and headed out. My roommate: where are you going”? “To work” Do you think you still have a job Shelley? I have know idea but I had to try. The drive into town remains the most nerve-racking drive of my whole life. I got to the parking lot and had a few minutes to get inside before my shift. I sat there debating about going in. I just could not give up this good thing I had going on with this job. I got out my car with my head high and shoulders up! I opened the double doors and my boss was sitting at the front desk. I walked straight in as fast as I could to the elevator with my head down. “Shelley” what are you doing here? Going to work? “No” you don’t work here anymore. The words shot out of her mouth in hit me like a bullet to the lungs. Taking my breath away, clumping up in my throat, slowly choking me and holding my voice hostage. It took me a minute to swallow so I could say something. People started to gather around and watch, making the situation worse. “Shelley” just turn around and go home. Fran, please just let me go to my classroom please? “Shelley” you let so many people down yesterday including your class, you through my schedule off and I had to switch people to different class rooms because you no called no-show. Fran please let me go upstairs and do my job? She sat there for a minute pursing her lips and not blinking. I guess I could use you for the day. Go to your room. We will come get you later. You may have a chance to explain yourself. The day drug but that was okay by me. They waited until the end of my shift to come and get me. We walked down the hall of shame to the supervisor’s office with five well put together woman (you know how that gets me). The owner of the daycare included was there and says what happened to you yesterday Shelley? I sat there debating if I was going to tell the truth or not. She says again “Shelley were waiting” I looked at them all and said I will shoot for the truth, last night I had one to many drinks and woke up at eleven o clock in a hotel room and I really can’t remember too much at all. The reason I did not call was because I had to get myself together, I was shocked, sick and a mess and needed to reflect. I let myself down and had to figure out how to handle the situation. They all looked at each other and looked at me. Then the director says you’re on probation for three months if you so much come in a minute late we will let you go. I stood up off that chair and told them all “Thank You” it was that moment of truth where I transformed and set the foundation of my work ethics!

If you ever do anything in life be honest, face your mistakes head on even if your punished you will be free. True freedom comes within the heart and mind. When you tell the truth its then when you truly live.

friendship · Home · love · memories

Protected: Wondering Mind

November 26, 2013April 21, 2015 shelie27