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“Get Glad In The Same Pants You Got Mad In”

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Hello Good People,

Do y’all ever want to just blast a few bad Apples out on Social Media?

I wish I could post a big huge rant, about a few things going on in my life. It wouldn’t be classy and it wouldn’t be nice. If you’re the kind of person I am you can read = the l-i-n-e-s. If not I don’t know what to tell you.

Happiness is overrated, if you want to know my feelings on the subject. Even if you don’t I’m still telling you! You don’t and won’t wake up everyday happy. Its something you have to work on from time to time.

For example: When my husband and I lost our twins he was going one way with grief and I another. I held it in and took a lot of things most people said offensively. (Why were on the subject: When a mother looses her babies skip all the I’m sorry, they’re in a better place, you can have more, it was for the best, you will see them again. The best thing would be to ask her if there is anything you can do to ease her pain? and whatever she tells you try to grant it for her.) My husband who has PTSD disassociated to the point he wasn’t for sure we should be together and dabbled in some unspeakable computer activity. We spent a few months not even talking we barely made it through to be quite honest. Most people believed it was the end. The best thing we did was keep going. We would have brief discussions and it helped to make it through another day but I’m here to tell you it was the hardest time of our whole life.

To be quite honest it’s has taken me a long time to be where I’m at today with myself. It took giving birth to my twin boys who passed away from being premature: The aftermath was arbitrary to having a zip lock bag over my head. It hurt to breathe and it was the first and hopefully last time I didn’t want too. I felt angry, worthless, helpless and pieces of my past started to surface,making me believe at one point I didn’t deserve the gift of twins. I know now this isn’t true but then I didn’t because I had not dealt with issues from my past. It took some time but I started seeing a therapist afterwards who basically opened my heart she gave me permission to grieve the way I never was allowed or allowed myself to do so. She brought my husband in and helped us disagree on a healthier level. During our times of talk led me back to my faith which led to a weekend encounter with my church for more healing. Then I took an English class where a teacher, perhaps the only teacher in my whole life  encouraged me to keep writing. “She said you have a lot to say and she’d enjoyed reading about my life.” Here I’m thirty-eight years old and still trying to stay on track and remember who I’m.

To whom it concerns,

This has not been a walk in the park for me. I’m now learning how to put up boundaries not only to protect my happiness but my family’s as well. I’m however sorry you cannot find yours. I can’t look back to roll up my sleeves to try to make you or anyone else happy. Yes we can be kind, but we can’t do your foot work. I refuse to take your problems on and sacrifice how far I have come.

This road I’m on has been easier. I can’t explain it… Most days I feel lighter not so heavy. I know we’re still going to have hard times. Times that we won’t be happy. I feel like a part of happiness is knowing that the sadness will come and together we will get through it again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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To list or not to list

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How-do-you-do, fellow followers?

I have yet another confession for all of you, I can be a procrastinator. This title can be a blessing and a curse. For me it’s more of a curse because my pile of things to do keeps stacking up, until I get so over whelmed that it starts manifesting in other ways.

A few examples: crying, fatigue, yelling, anxiety

People: Friends, family and co-workers have suggested in the past, I make a list. This suggestion has been ongoing for years. The list has been another work-in-progress, it never gets done. Today sweet eighty some odd, is your luck day, because we’re going to make a list!

Please: Feel free to make your own list or any suggestions on procrastination in the comments

1) Go to store and purchase sign for window (hmmm stay tuned)

2) Fill out registration form for camp for Gabe

3) Call and get second opinion on air-condition (Yippee the air went out)

4) Re-new drivers license

5) Make an appointment for car to find out why the windows in locks don’t work (Double yippee Fun)

6) Murphy needs a hair appointment all his fur is starting to get in my way

7) Gabe still needs his vaccines before kindergarten starts

8) Apply for a job that has raised my eyebrows a time or two

9) Pull the weeds in my yard and plant some grass

10) Put up my Humming Bird feeder. I haven’t done this in years and I love to watch them

This is just a start to something new in my life. To maybe light a match under my bum..

They’re are a few other things I look forward to sharing.

One thing I was working on was a life lesson and maybe give my eighty some advise on some don’ts… I started pondering these last few day’s I think I will change it up.

Why: Because we our who we are because of all the hardships we  go through, it’s what makes me, me and you, you and I would like to share with you a few good things that have come out of a few bad things.

Daily Post · Family · Grandma · Home · love · Twins

Murphy Saint Claire

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Hello everybody!

Do you have animals in your life? If no, why have you opted not to?

I have recently drifted from the 101, however I will eventually finish what I started. It may not be right on schedule but someday I will get it done. When I saw the prompt about our animals my mind started flooding about my dog, Murphy. He’s a Yorkie. He was mine first and foremost. My mom Linda called me out of the clear blue sky shortly after my “grams” passed away. She told me she was coming to get me we were going to go on a ride.

So let me inform y’all about my mom Linda. When she calls ya out of the blue and tells you she is on her way to pick you up, clap your hands together, keep them together swiftly rubbing them like you’re warming yourself up because something good is about to come your way. Linda is hard to catch and always on the go for the good of the family. If you ever get a chance to take a ride with her she is one train you don’t want to miss!

The trip was long. I can’t even tell you exactly where the place was. We went through five towns to get there,towns you only hear about on the weather radio. You know the ones you google and they only have like ten people living in them? uh yea, most of the driving consisted of narrow bumpy roads and lots of fields. One point on the car ride I had chalked it up that she had, had enough of my deep dark side and was going to end it for both of us. This is only a glimpse of how my imagination runs away with itself. I guess that is what I get for being a complete horror nut most of my life. My favorite seat in the house as a child was on grams lap eating sauerkraut from the jar, watching Hitchcock, Tales from The Darkside, and whatever mystery or horror grams had on. The older I got it just progressed maybe one day y’all can get a load of my nightmares.

We finally got to our destination.

An old house, on an old road, with an old farm. My mom pulled up into the driveway right next to a white utility van with no windows. The van looked to be old, It had rust in random spots, dents that looked as if during a high-speed chase they hit whatever was in their way and kept going. To the left was a cage th

Everyone meet Murph, Murph meet everyone!
://shelley-baker.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/image1.jpg”> Everyone meet Murph, Murph meet everyone!

[/caption]at had about five sections, each cage had three or four adult dogs in them. There was what I thought to be a chicken coop behind the cage? The house was white and it even looked as if it were lopsided. I sat in the car with my hand on the door handle observing and debating about getting out, Linda says in a firm tone let’s go!  and gets out of the car quickly. I’m still holding on to the door handle. She says whats wrong? Well first of all were in the middle of no where, no one is coming outside to meet us, I’m just letting you know if we have to scream, screaming ain’t going to get anyones attention around here its going to fuel the flame. I don’t know if this is safe… My mom being my mom “Shelley get out of the car!” we walked up to the door Linda leading me, I’m trailing behind mumbling “as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.” She motions me with her hand and an a violent whisper, “get over here!”  she knocks on the door, we wait for a few moments, Linda is all up in the screen doing a side to side type thing with her head trying to get a glimpse of someone or something but cannot see through all the residue on the window. This wasn’t helping the thoughts that were playing out in my head. The lady cracks the screen only sticking her nose out. “Do you have the Yorkies for sale says Linda?” The lady stepped out of the door and kid you not. You know the grandma in Texas Chainsaw massacre? Yep same physique and hair do. I could have been too far into my imagination but I was scared out of my wits! She said “follow me” you know that chicken coop we discussed earlier? We’re headed right towards it. I whispered in Linda’s ear let’s just go home? “shut up Shelley” when she opened the door of the coop the smell of dog poo took your breath away, you couldn’t escape a fly, the dogs barking and yelping sounded like human cries for help, and the medium-sized cages with more than one dog in them was an animal lovers worst nightmare.

I was in a puppy mill for the first time in my life and was over whelmed with sadness, helplessness and anger. The company surrounding me was obviously not on the same page. (I stood there as my mom walked forward with the lady from the massacre) and looked around at miles upon miles of puppies. Linda says where are the yourkies? We headed to the back to the far left corner of the coop. This particular cage sat lower than the rest and was a bit longer in size, In the corner all curled up was my dog “this is the last one he was the biggest out of the litter” and I reckon that is why nobody took him.” My mom said “he is yours if want him?” yep let’s go! My mom chuckled as the lady handed Murphy to me. She said “are you sure this is the dog you want?” are you kidding? This is who we came for and this is who we’re leaving with, he shook as he always does when he’s scared. She handed him to me, his cage was right by the door so I made a mad dash outside. When Murphy saw the light for the first time he could barely open his eyes, when I put him down on the ground he marched in one place getting used to the grass, after he did his business he walked over putting his paw on my shoe letting me know to pick him up.

My mom did the deal with the devil and we were on our way!

Murphy has always showed his appreciation of my rescue that day. He has been exactly what my mom bought him for, my grief. Through my grams, through my foster child, our twins and a few of my residents. He knows my grief cry compared to any other cry. He is patient when the grief comes, it’s almost like he knows I need that time to mourn. He will walk slowly over to where I’m lying and every time a tear falls he nestles right under my neck as if he is trying to catch every single one.

Children · Daily Post · Family · friendship · Home

“Tis better to have loved than lost than never loved at all”

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Day Four: Serially Lost 

Today’s  Prompt: Write about a loss: something (or someone) that was part of your life and isn’t anymore. Today’s twist: Make today’s post the first in a three-post series.

If you had the power to change one thing about this world what would it be and why? Please feel free to leave your answer in the comments.

In my last post we talked about songs that had important meaning in my life. In which I told you Phil Collins, In The Air tonight: reminded me of my friend Nikki and her mom. She was the first friend in elementary school I ever had. She is my lost someone who isn’t anymore.

"God has a habit of picking up nobodies and making them sombodies."
“God has a habit of picking up nobodies and making them sombodies.”

The school we both attended at the time was predominately all white. She was the color of a Snickers Bar and  I was a bit lighter like the background of a Cheerios box. We both had coarse curly hair, only with hers you could see her curls, since her mom knew how to manage it. My hair was just a thick, short, frizz ball of fuzz that stood straight up.

My friend and I would have sleep overs. We would always play with each others hair especially when our hair was wet. We would have competitions about who’s hair was longest. She would always win. This did not bother me. I was just glad to have a friend who was like me. She didnt stare at me, she didn’t ask me questions about my dad, Why he had red hair and was white and I was dark with hair that didn’t necessarily add up! She loved me the way people should love regardless of color, gender. size, age and anything else that will fit into this category. She was the only black girl this “black girl”  had and I’m not black, but it was the way kids and adults seen us, from the “outside.”

I lost understanding and equality when she vanished from my life.

I never knew what she meant to me until the day before yesterday. My thoughts have come back to her all my life. Recently my dad sent me a message it was a link to her dad’s obituary, When we were asked to write about the songs that had significant meaning “In The Air Tonight” was the first song that came to the shore, now here I am writing this post about loss and yet she shows up again…

This is why I been writing. To get down to the nitty-gritty of all the things that have been laying dormant in my life for years. I won’t lie somethings have lingered especially the bullies but I’m pressing forward in hopes to forgive those who know not what they do. I have been held hostage long enough and I,m to old to be looking over my shoulder wondering why these kids treated me the way they did.

Steve and I have been looking for houses. This has been an ongoing battle in more ways than one. The more time it takes, I realize “What I am looking for is not out there its inside me” Helen Keller

Children · Daily Post · Family · Home · memories

Bedtime Last Night

shelie274 Comments

Head to “Blogs I Follow in the Reader. Scroll down to the third post in the list. Take the third sentence in the post, and work it into your own.

A Little Bit Of Everything: Clash of Clans, Goodreads, wordpress, Kobo, facebook, and Twitter

Prompt: Woo we, someday instead of barley having time for one of the activities above, I might be able to participate in them all.

IN THE MEANTIME IN-BETWEEN TIME

Last night when Gabe was getting ready for bed, we noticed a bright light on outside his window.

Which is odd for the hour…

We both pressed are noses to the window to see Steve (my husband) out there fiddling around in the shed.

Gabe and I both look up, not saying a word, gazing at each other curiously for more than a few seconds, then he turns back pressing his nose on the window and says…

Mom: What is that scallywag doing out there?

Children · Daily Post · Family · friendship · Home

Be Kind And Rewind or (Weave)

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Weaving The Threads: draft a post with three parts, each unrelated to the other, but create a common thread between them by including the same item-object, a symbol,- in each part.

Prompt: The summer of 1990 I was twelve or thirteen and had just had my open heart surgery. My parents one night during my recovery process decided to go out and have some dinner. My “grams told them to take a break and she would stay with me.

During their meal, they got acquainted with the waitress. She had asked them if they were from “around the area”? My parents told her no. We are staying at the Ronald McDonald House our daughter is recovering in the hospital from heart surgery. The waitress started crying at their table. She told them before she walked away she would be “right back” they thought she might have had to go and get a hold of herself? When she came back she had a chocolate cake and told them the meal was on the house!

This Christmas my husband and I decided not to use any credit cards. So When buying for our kids we made a budget for each one. Mind you his kids do not live here with us they stay with their mother in another state. So after getting a bit carried away. We started adding everything up. I had went over about twenty dollars on Gabe, so I had to quit. Gabe tells me two weeks before Christmas he wants a new bike, there was nothing I could do the gifts that we had bought were online and things he and needed as well.

I did not mention to anyone about this situation because I did not want to make others feel we were asking them for help.

A couple of days later my friend Audra text me. She works at a homeless shelter for woman. Every year they have a huge give away, a meal, clothes, and toys (new ones) for family’s who can’t afford presents for their kids. In her text she said they had one bike left, it had been given anonymously and even had “Training Wheels” if I wanted the bike it was mine to come pick it! The bike was red my son’s favorite color.

I have been blogging for over a year now and I want to publicly thank another blogger

Thank you for befriended me just a few days after I started this journey and telling me I could ask for help anytime. Then following through with your words. I would email her asking how to do the daily prompt,she sent me word for word instructions more than once, I messed up my blog by changing my username and ended up changing my url, it was a mess, I tried to fix it on my own by texting the site itself but did not get anywhere with that route,she even took up for me when the question that I had asked on this site was not clearly answered, she basically went out on her own and got my site all squared away, it took her lots of her own time. The other day I wrote a story on my facebook page and she had asked me in the comments “why  didn’t you write this on your blog”

Photo Credit: Www.sweetonveg.com
Photo Credit: Www.sweetonveg.com

Diane

Your words that day has put a Getty up in my blogging. I wasn’t for sure this cup of tea was for me, it’s getting better all the time Diane. Thank you and for the person you have shown me you are!

Children · Daily Post · Family · Grandma · Home

“Places In The Heart”

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Photo credit: www.Indb.com
Photo credit: http://www.Indb.com

Hello Fifty,

Sitting here at the kitchen table this A.m it’s cold, quiet and peaceful in the “Tin Can” an owl is outside hooting and I am at the table writing my thoughts down over a warm cup of coffee.

I sit here thinking about dropping Gabe off at school this morning, it’s becoming a daily thought. Every morning when dropping him off at school before he goes in, he turns around and blows me a kiss. Lately it’s been something I sit and wait for, even though the cars behind me are most likely in a rush? It’s our time, shortly it will be but another artifact that we tuck away in the chambers of our hearts.

The thing about the heart is it never gets full of all the places and moments we have been in. The more you open it up and stuff it with the Good things, when the bad things happen you always have a place to go.

Recently,I had to take a trip to the hospital. Lets not go into why, because it’s not my focus for the few people reading. However it does not down play that I was afraid. I laid their scared, cold, and worried that they wouldn’t get the problem under control or maybe they’re was more going on… After making a few phone calls and being to upset about the situation, I had to get a handle on myself and by doing so I go back to the phantoms of my yester years.

I closed my eyes

This particular memory reminds me of a warm blanket and it covers me and my fears.

The day was dark, foggy and rainy not the hard rain though more like a mist! I was not feeling well at all. A few days after my open heart surgery as a child, being a kid you don’t express your sickness the way you do when you’re an adult. This is why we have parents or what the definition is as a parent to me. My “step mom” Lin came up by herself for some reason and asked me how I was feeling? I didn’t say much but looking back from now to then, I didn’t have too. She pulled up a chair next to me and just sat there not saying a word. To be honest I couldn’t tell you how long she sat there either. When I did wake up she had put this giant red heart balloon with legs and a smiley face in place of where she sat.

Linda,

though the day outside remained dark, wet, and ugly it lit everything up including myself. So I took that day and shoved it inside one of my chambers and you will forever be sitting there with your umbrella catching all the rain and reminding me in every dark place there is a little bit of light.

Once upon a time, “Grams” took my older brother and I too our first movie. The movie title has always been the title of how I get through life and where you will usually find me in the raising of my own son and it’s “Places In The Heart”

 

 

Family · Grandma · Home

Cleaning

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Every now and again I deep clean parts of my house and it’s always the kitchen, because it is where I spend most of my time. No, not always cooking and eating!

Steve and I sit at the table in the morning on our days off catching up with one another about the week, we color and often go over Gabes letters and numbers and when my friends come by its usually where we sit in catch up.

When my grandma was living and even in my parents house til this day, like I said before the table has never “caught anything but good food and conversation” this has been an ongoing memory of mine.

One conversation my mind goes back to is a vacation I came back from  visiting a childhood friend in the Black Hills of South Dakota. I don’t have a lot of time to go into detail about the vacation right now.

When I got back home I went straight over to “grams” house afterwards and she loved to travel as well, so she fixed us a cup of coffee and sat them down at her kitchen table and told me to tell her all about my trip.

In the middle of the conversation I started crying because it was so hard leaving the company of a good friend and the scenery was just as peaceful and beautiful as the talks my friend and I shared during the visit. Grabbing my hand and comforting me as she always did she said “sweetheart”  ” a Vacation would not be a vacation if we didn’t have to come home” and she was right, it never would have been what it was to me if I had lived there.

My “grams” gave me wisdom, comfort, she also gave me my dad who is lots more like her than he cares to admit. He too can tell you the truth as well but silence the pistol and you can hear the conversation that is going on inside the conversation. All this came to me today when cleaning and finding a gift from Qvc she gave me years ago that we didn’t need then but we could sure use now.

Eight years almost on the twenty-eighth you been gone “grams” and your still here with me, you knew what you were doing all those years and because of all those evening and morning talks at your table I just close my eyes and their you are and once again you silence the pistol of being gone.

Children · Family · Home · memories

My Spin on the memory

shelie274 Comments

Someone once asked me where I might be without my dad and to tell you the truth when thinking about the question it feels like I am underwater without the option to swim up to the surface. Yes there are other family members in my life who have shown me love and eventually we will get to them. For right now it is my dads time.

He always talked with me when I was little and looking back now I can tell you he was always in engaged in our conversation. One ongoing conversation he would have constantly was about strangers and safety tips especially with men it would go something like this.

1.) Never get into a car with someone you don’t know

2.) Never take candy from anyone unless I okay it first. (every Halloween after my brother and I were done trick or treating it was a tradition we would all sit on the floor, he would dump it out and go through every piece even throwing some away he wasn’t sure of Do you remember that Big Bro? Good times).

3.) Never let anyone threaten you by saying they will hurt dad, if you tell him. Always tell me no matter what they say then tell them “To go Fly a Kite”

Believe it or not I told one of my friends older brothers “To Go Fly a Kite” one time and it worked! (We won’t go into that story because I don’t think my long lost friend had the latter and I think of her quite often and wonder if she is alright,I was saved from a lifetime of darkness from some understanding of others.) After our talks on this particular subject, he would come right down to my level, look me in the eyes and tell me “dad could never live without you if something happened to you “sis I love you so much” Into my adult years with time getting away from us never once have I questioned his love. My three brothers know exactly what I mean.

The older I get the more I talk or write about these memories. Which all started in a writing class and church. I am able to sift through these memories and see what the power of love has done when the dark clouds have moved in and find I was never alone.

One day in the first grade my dad had to take my older brother for an appointment. My older brother has got about four years on me so usually after school got out he would meet me in front and we would walk right over to daycare which was on the left and about thirty or forty steps away.

The night before my brothers appointment my dad was like a broken record “sis after you get out of school walk straight over to the daycare don’t stop or talk to anyone” giving me another one of his great hugs and repeating himself again the next morning when dropping me off “sis I love you see you tonight”.

When heading out the doors of the school that afternoon with a bit of freedom I couldn’t help but stand in the middle of the sidewalk soaking up the hot sun after being inside most of the day. I have always lagged behind a bit because of my need to look around at everything going on, some people call it nosy. I guess the shoe fits a little but most of my intentions have never been bad.

I don’t know exactly the time I took standing there but a man starting calling out my name it took me a little bit to look over because I wasn’t expecting anyone and thought he may have been talking to someone else then he calls out again! I look over and see an older man yelling out his passenger side window in the driver seat and motioning with his hand to come over.. Looking over at the daycare and back at the man again for some reason I decided to walk on over to him.

The man had dirty blonde sweaty hair that looked like he had not yet brushed it, he had jean shorts on and they were frayed, He was leaned over a bit and when I had got to the passenger side door of his rusty green car he opened it up and said “Your dad asked me to pick you up get in”! I grabbed the side of his door and just stood there looking at the daycare and back at him again “S hurry up we are already late and I don’t want him to get mad at me”

I started to get confused, my throat was drying up and I couldn’t swallow, my heart was pounding, my hand was sliding down the side of the door with it being wet from sweat “get in honey” looking at him once more and over at the daycare with a slow cracky voice I said “my dad told me to go straight to the daycare” “he changed his mind get in” I just kept hearing my dads voice play a few times over “sis go straight over to the daycare it just kept on to the point I could no longer think of nothing else. I slammed his door shut and ran like hell and didn’t stop until I was “safe” inside  when walking in not one person said a thing just a normal day to everyone and even if I said anything being the place it was they wouldn’t have  believed me but I had never been so glad to be there.

I kept this story hidden for a long time in fear of people not believing me. My dad and mom are aware of the situation now but I want to share with them my take on the matter.

This memory here is how far back I can acknowledge listing to the Holy Spirit.

My dad was plucked out to raise me cause god knew through your love dad it would reveal who he was, it was you who introduced me to god through no words but actions. You taught me to see evil by teaching me what good really looked like. The air was THICK with love That day and the light you gave me was ON and once again you lead me home.