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Family · Grandma · Home

Cleaning

shelie2712 Comments

Every now and again I deep clean parts of my house and it’s always the kitchen, because it is where I spend most of my time. No, not always cooking and eating!

Steve and I sit at the table in the morning on our days off catching up with one another about the week, we color and often go over Gabes letters and numbers and when my friends come by its usually where we sit in catch up.

When my grandma was living and even in my parents house til this day, like I said before the table has never “caught anything but good food and conversation” this has been an ongoing memory of mine.

One conversation my mind goes back to is a vacation I came back from  visiting a childhood friend in the Black Hills of South Dakota. I don’t have a lot of time to go into detail about the vacation right now.

When I got back home I went straight over to “grams” house afterwards and she loved to travel as well, so she fixed us a cup of coffee and sat them down at her kitchen table and told me to tell her all about my trip.

In the middle of the conversation I started crying because it was so hard leaving the company of a good friend and the scenery was just as peaceful and beautiful as the talks my friend and I shared during the visit. Grabbing my hand and comforting me as she always did she said “sweetheart”  ” a Vacation would not be a vacation if we didn’t have to come home” and she was right, it never would have been what it was to me if I had lived there.

My “grams” gave me wisdom, comfort, she also gave me my dad who is lots more like her than he cares to admit. He too can tell you the truth as well but silence the pistol and you can hear the conversation that is going on inside the conversation. All this came to me today when cleaning and finding a gift from Qvc she gave me years ago that we didn’t need then but we could sure use now.

Eight years almost on the twenty-eighth you been gone “grams” and your still here with me, you knew what you were doing all those years and because of all those evening and morning talks at your table I just close my eyes and their you are and once again you silence the pistol of being gone.

Children · Family · Home · memories

My Spin on the memory

shelie274 Comments

Someone once asked me where I might be without my dad and to tell you the truth when thinking about the question it feels like I am underwater without the option to swim up to the surface. Yes there are other family members in my life who have shown me love and eventually we will get to them. For right now it is my dads time.

He always talked with me when I was little and looking back now I can tell you he was always in engaged in our conversation. One ongoing conversation he would have constantly was about strangers and safety tips especially with men it would go something like this.

1.) Never get into a car with someone you don’t know

2.) Never take candy from anyone unless I okay it first. (every Halloween after my brother and I were done trick or treating it was a tradition we would all sit on the floor, he would dump it out and go through every piece even throwing some away he wasn’t sure of Do you remember that Big Bro? Good times).

3.) Never let anyone threaten you by saying they will hurt dad, if you tell him. Always tell me no matter what they say then tell them “To go Fly a Kite”

Believe it or not I told one of my friends older brothers “To Go Fly a Kite” one time and it worked! (We won’t go into that story because I don’t think my long lost friend had the latter and I think of her quite often and wonder if she is alright,I was saved from a lifetime of darkness from some understanding of others.) After our talks on this particular subject, he would come right down to my level, look me in the eyes and tell me “dad could never live without you if something happened to you “sis I love you so much” Into my adult years with time getting away from us never once have I questioned his love. My three brothers know exactly what I mean.

The older I get the more I talk or write about these memories. Which all started in a writing class and church. I am able to sift through these memories and see what the power of love has done when the dark clouds have moved in and find I was never alone.

One day in the first grade my dad had to take my older brother for an appointment. My older brother has got about four years on me so usually after school got out he would meet me in front and we would walk right over to daycare which was on the left and about thirty or forty steps away.

The night before my brothers appointment my dad was like a broken record “sis after you get out of school walk straight over to the daycare don’t stop or talk to anyone” giving me another one of his great hugs and repeating himself again the next morning when dropping me off “sis I love you see you tonight”.

When heading out the doors of the school that afternoon with a bit of freedom I couldn’t help but stand in the middle of the sidewalk soaking up the hot sun after being inside most of the day. I have always lagged behind a bit because of my need to look around at everything going on, some people call it nosy. I guess the shoe fits a little but most of my intentions have never been bad.

I don’t know exactly the time I took standing there but a man starting calling out my name it took me a little bit to look over because I wasn’t expecting anyone and thought he may have been talking to someone else then he calls out again! I look over and see an older man yelling out his passenger side window in the driver seat and motioning with his hand to come over.. Looking over at the daycare and back at the man again for some reason I decided to walk on over to him.

The man had dirty blonde sweaty hair that looked like he had not yet brushed it, he had jean shorts on and they were frayed, He was leaned over a bit and when I had got to the passenger side door of his rusty green car he opened it up and said “Your dad asked me to pick you up get in”! I grabbed the side of his door and just stood there looking at the daycare and back at him again “S hurry up we are already late and I don’t want him to get mad at me”

I started to get confused, my throat was drying up and I couldn’t swallow, my heart was pounding, my hand was sliding down the side of the door with it being wet from sweat “get in honey” looking at him once more and over at the daycare with a slow cracky voice I said “my dad told me to go straight to the daycare” “he changed his mind get in” I just kept hearing my dads voice play a few times over “sis go straight over to the daycare it just kept on to the point I could no longer think of nothing else. I slammed his door shut and ran like hell and didn’t stop until I was “safe” inside  when walking in not one person said a thing just a normal day to everyone and even if I said anything being the place it was they wouldn’t have  believed me but I had never been so glad to be there.

I kept this story hidden for a long time in fear of people not believing me. My dad and mom are aware of the situation now but I want to share with them my take on the matter.

This memory here is how far back I can acknowledge listing to the Holy Spirit.

My dad was plucked out to raise me cause god knew through your love dad it would reveal who he was, it was you who introduced me to god through no words but actions. You taught me to see evil by teaching me what good really looked like. The air was THICK with love That day and the light you gave me was ON and once again you lead me home.

 

 

 

 

Children · Family · Home

Two days ago

shelie2711 Comments

The other day my little guy was sitting on my lap, which is few and far between these day. So while he was up their I thought I would take full advantage of the moment.

Me: So what is your favorite color?

Him: Red

Me: What is your favorite t.v show

Him: Sponge Bob (yea I know)

Me: What is your favorite game

Him: Sponge Bob (Don’t Judge)

Me: What is your favorite food

Him: Waffles

Me; Who is your favorite person

Him: You MOM!!!

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away”

This was one of those moments for me. I thought it was sharable.

Family · Home · love

A bit off on a bunny trail

shelie273 Comments

So the morning came again just as it always does and for that I am grateful.

My little guy is in preschool my husband got him on the bus this morning.I got to sleep in, after they left I contemplated getting up but laid there and fell asleep for another hour. When hubs got back he laid down a page in a book he had been reading. He told me he was going up to keep his dad busy at the hospital while his mom got a little procedure done. He wasn’t gone for no more than an Hour and a half. He has been of work again for about a week. He works in a place with children who have handicaps he has been able to hold down this job for almost three years which is remarkable for him. Your probably thinking well he should be holding down a job regardless of what the job is to take care of his family but that is not how its been for us. I do believe where he is at now in his mental stability is where he will stay because he has been through lots of therapy pretty much from the beginning of our relationship and plans to keep going.

When we met he had been out of the Army for almost two years. He spent most of his eight years in war zones give or take a few. Lots of people in my life don’t like to hear his excuses but that is okay its “Him and me” Not us and everybody else” also at this point in the game I am done defending our relationship. This last few years we have been really enjoying the marriage, we attend some church activities together along with some friendships we have required, we both our pretty spiritual so we talk about books we read that strengthen our walk with the lord, sometimes when were not to tired we enjoy watching a good movies than discussing them, if were really lucky we get to go out on a date without the boy, though it has been few and far between we appreciate those times even more.

So for the time being he is on what they call “alternative leave” where he gets paid but they investigate him for the way he had to put someone in a restraint recently, which this is the third time this year! Of course each one there were no findings which there not going to find anything. This time another guy is involved so at least there are two of them telling the same story. The good thing here is were both fed up with these accusations but understand they must look into them, but we have decided that after this investigation when they call him back he will just be putting in his two weeks last time we went through this was a bit long drawn out and agonizing only because it is scary especially when you have your own family at home your trying to take care of also we believe we have been through enough as a couple were not going to let this job tear us apart.

So we choose “us” in the words of my mom Lynn “We made choices that people didn’t like but it wasn’t for them it was for us”

So with this said I am back to work full-time and during his paid time off, for now he is taking care of the boy. Thank god for the “Tin Can that is cheap living it will get us through for now because “A House is made of brick and stone a Home is made of love Alone” It may be a cliché but its true love has got me through up till now and I believe it will hold strong!

Children · Family · Home · love

More free writing

shelie277 Comments

WIN_20140411_085825Today was a good day little man and I slept in a bit, actually a lot oops! We didn’t make it to preschool but we had a nice talk about his picture, he and his dad made the night before last. He told me they were fishing with sunshine and blue skies the picture was pretty detailed for a four-year old. My husband helped him a bit,but you can tell the picture was made by him for the most part.

Then we tackled getting cleaned up, dressed and ready for the day. We fed the animals as in the bird, dog and cat the kitty is an outdoor cat who choose all of us for some reason?  after this we turned on a Dailey carton he loves to watch but he decided to bring his color crayons and book over to me to show me a maze except he had to ask me what they were called? We went over how to do them. He made sure there wasn’t a single maze left undone after he had caught on!

We didn’t go outside today together and I can’t tell you why? These days were into our cycle which is a three wheel contraption that sits real low to the ground, yesterday I had my fill of up, down, around, get over here, stay out of their day but still loved watching him have a hay day! We should have went outside it was so pretty. A bit of a warm breeze was coming in through the window, the sun was shining high there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. I love days like these and hate all kinds of storms especially the kind in life that throw you for a loop and it takes you a bit to put your feet back on the ground.

When my son was born I was still going through a ton of grief. It took a toll on me but our relationship from the start was interrupted. When they pulled him out it took him about three minutes for him to cry, his dad looked terrified my arms were stretched out, tied down with a huge blanket blocking my view it took only a minute for all those emotions to start flooding in. When he did cry my numbness had already taken over its amazing what the mind and body do for you in the deepest darkest moments of your life. They briefly showed him to me then carried him off to make sure everything was okay with him. Which never bothered me in the least. When you lose not one baby but two you get real used to not being able to hold them it had already been my way of life.

When they finally got me all clean, stitched up and to my room they asked me if I would like them to go get my baby. I remember looking up at the nurse and saying what? She came over to my bed with complete understanding and said again with a smile do you want me to go get him so you can hold him. He is so beautiful congratulations. Yes please bring him to me. When he came in she said would you like to try to feed him which was a bit hard for us to get down so we just skipped that part this time around.

The next evening took another turn when I was burping him he starting turning blue the nurse came down looked at him told me they had to take him down to the neonatal unit when they came back about a half hour later to tell me his oxygen was going down into the thirties, it would rise back up but still was very dangerous so until he could learn to maintain he would have to stay with them. They ran test and determined that he would eventually grow out of this phase he will have to learn to maintain his oxygen on his own but needed to be observed this took four weeks when he came home it was everything but happy.

You see I never got the memo that after you lose a baby in my case babies, when you have another one it is a simple reminder of the high cost you could possibly pay and it takes a toll on a woman. So for two or three years I have walked on eggshells in the beginning it was his bottles he would gag a bit too much for my comfort, then it was his tantrums he would get so mad his lips would turn blue oh how I held my breath too, then he started eating solids and every bite he took was similar to me standing on a cliff, he started climbing up the monkey bars I said that’s it I can’t take it! I still took care of him like a mother should but with caution, my guard up and a bit of apprehensive of the future.

He felt this as well. I know he did because when I brought him home he would just cry it wasn’t  your normal cry like he was un happy either just basically more or less I really don’t like you cry. As tense as I was during those times, I cannot blame him.

Today we still bump heads mostly because were at that age, he helps himself to the fridge and I yell you need to ask instead of oh god don’t eat that! He ate a bag of skittles on his own the other day and plays at the park as free as a lark and although life has been very dark he pointed out in his drawing look mama look at the blue skies Yes babe your so right. Thank you for pointing that out to me.

 

Family · Home · love

Good Food

shelie279 Comments

 The memories of my childhood with my dad as a little girl. Stand out like the bright sun in a rainstorm! I suppose its because of his loving spirit and the way he has lived his life out through example instead of preaching.

He always had supper on the table most nights and we would always sit down together no matter how simple they were. The table was always cleared off never has it “…caught” anything but good food and conversation. However we did enjoy fast food quite often. He would grab it on the drive home or decide afterwards and we would all go pick it up together.

One night always revisit my thoughts.

We drove over to the local Dq  he puts in the order and we pull around. He puts the car in park tells us their pretty busy tonight after about ten minutes the lady give us our food my dad does his bag check as always hands the bag to my brother and proceeds to sit their just looking at the lady. She said sir what did we forget my dad says do you want your money? she laughs and says omg! Thank you so much sir.

When he drives off of course we chuckle and ask him why didn’t you just pull away dad we could have had a free meal? No it wouldn’t have been right you guys! Our dishonesty could have gotten her fired. I don’t want to see no one lose their job over me…

My brother and I didn’t say much after his answer he has always been pretty firm. So there was no need to say more. Though that night has always spoken to me. Most of his parenting does speak to me now more in my life than ever before.

This story has been a bit harder for me to tell but I did not want to leave it out because it shows my two or three readers more about who he is. Even in his struggle he always did the right thing and I am so very proud of him. I realize that all my stories are part of the past but you are such a good story and I plan to tell of all the good food you gave us for the soul.

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The Oldsmobile

shelie278 Comments

Childhood

Being  lean in money my dad bought a car to get him from “Point A to Point B”

The Oldsmobile did just this for my dad

Today it holds a bittersweet memory

The car was a lighter brown and long like the long hours my dad worked to support his family on his own

There were four doors only three worked

A reminder of being the family of three we were

The driver side mirror was shattered spider webbed out where you could see my dads broken reflection

Symbolic to all the years he drove around single with a broken heart

The passage side door we all climbed in

Was heavy like the love that my brother and I carry for our hero of a dad

The brownish red interior of the car hung low

like the low times we were having in our lives

The smell of smoke

Fastfood

Filled the air

Like the love my dad poured out to and fro

To form a concrete foundation

To anchor down what we did have

The Car always moved

Slow at first

A reminder

That forward we go but slowly

 

Family · Home · love · Twins

Grateful

shelie279 Comments

My little boy has a head full of dark brown wavy hair. I keep it cut short, it looks like a fitted helmet on his head. His eyebrows are dark and bushy, his brown eyes droop with long thick curled up lashes that you can ring out when wet, his skin is light brown an as smooth as ice, he has tiny dimples, and a smile that look as if he is trying to push out further. He is a complete doll.

The past six months we have set a bedtime hour a bit earlier so we can do some activities. He has started looking forward to this time and so have we. We read stories, sing a few songs, count and pray.Tonight we asked him to tell us a story of his own the story went something like this: ” The Spider crawled up mommy’s arm (using his two little chubby fingers he steps them up my arm) the rain came down splashed out the spider up came the sun and the spider lost his legs and could not walk”

After his story my husband starts reading a book one of my boys favorite books. He goes straight into the book not reading the title. My little guy says silly dad you forgot to read “Chuck and Friends” and he takes my husband back to the cover of the book. We all laugh for different reasons it was a good family moment. It plays back in my mind as I write it out and feels my heart with joy so thankful and glad to tuck it away in my time capsule in hopes he does the same. We start our counting from one to twenty trying to reach a pre school milestone. He gets stuck on thirteen and sixteen but other than that he is doing well and enjoys learning. He has got his own little accent he does while counting and laughs at himself all the way to twenty.

Tonight he was more wound up than usual. I warned him that we would cut it short if he did not straighten up, and of course being four he blew it. We told him we loved him and we would try again tomorrow. He started screaming bloody murder and chanting count, count, count. He eventually fell asleep he was so worn out it wasn’t long. I turned off the television, sat down on the couch and reflected.

I put the pen to paper so one day he can read about this memory and what he means to me as well.

I love you and try to say it many times over in hopes the words embed into your soul. If anything was gained when I lost your brothers it would be the value of life. Most so yours my little guy. I feel as though I can embrace our moments and in my soul know what they’re worth, because I know what it is like to be empty. To come home from a hospital after giving birth and have nothing, nothing in my arms to hold, nothing in the crib to place my eyes on, no baby to put baby clothes on, and milk but no baby to feed. This is the best way for me to explain such a feeling, at the end of the night while you say your prayer. My eyes survey the room at the toys on the floor, pictures on the wall, a bed filled up, with your beautiful head of hair showing. I graze my hand over your head and tilt mine back and say Oh Lord Thank you for filling me up. To you we are so grateful.

Home

Benjamin

shelie275 Comments

First Crush: Who was your first childhood crush, what if you saw him or her again

This  poem was written by me back in Nineteen-Ninety-Nine. My friend Christy said I should enter it in a contest, it may not be that good but she don’t give out compliments unless she means them.

You always have a first love in life who lingers within your cardiovascular. Sometimes later in life  The Holy Spirit might unfold why things did not work… My blessing out of the deal was that my feelings were preserved instead of the alternative.

In the words of my mom Linda “Keep Your Fantasy in A Fantasy” because they’re  not what you imagined. Here is a little piece of my preservation.

The night we met

My feelings hadn’t happened yet

New years eve

You stole my heart from me

All those calls we made

All those nights

We laid awake

Together

safe

Happy

You said You wanted me

I wanted You too

I wanted to be your friend

Share everything

With you

I wished at times

lying next to you

I could’ve melted

To be part of you

Wherever you went to

Today you’re a memory

You remain a fantasy

A deep tear within my heart

The silence

You bestowed upon me

Never trumped

My faith in you

For a great life

Of happiness

I Love you