Reading And Writing And The Places They Have Taken Me

I have a small count, of the amount of books, I have read in my life. I wish someone like Bernie Freeman would’ve introduced me, to a love of books, in my childhood. I can’t help to raise my eyes into the rearview, touch the road behind me, wishing  for a portal, to change my “who has time for reading attitude”.

A lot of my high-school years were spent looking through windows of others trying to seal up their cracks, even if there was nothing to seal. I stood there creating a persona of support knowing support would create friendships.

School was not easy for me educationally, socially, or physically. The friends I did have, and still have today, I worked hard for. I wonder if I was able to go back, and change the person I was then. To whom I’m now, in this second. If I would end-up with the same results. I think I would, but I would have saved some energy for the reading, writing, and other educational subjects.

Five years ago, I took a basic English class. The teacher had us first free-writing: she told us to set the timer, and for fifteen minutes write whatever came to our minds. She said: “Don’t  worry about any grammar, just write”. We did this for a few weeks in and out of the classroom. She would also have us reading “Dead End in Norvelt” Which I instantly drew interest in the American author: Jack Gantos. She would have questions for us after every chapter and then ask us to describe in detail how we felt about the chapter. She also brought in a jean jacket, of hers. The jacket had been personalized. She wanted us to pick one material item, meaningful to us, and describe in detail what the material looked like on the outside, but also what the piece meant to us on the inside. She had us write our first draft in the beginning of the class, the second in the middle, then the third, fourth and fifth. Then at the end of our last class she showed us how far our writing had come from the beginning.

The final came around, and of course the topic the teacher had for the essay, took me all of the two hours. I poured my heart out writing about an old colleague of mine. After she told me “times up’.  She met me at the door, and took my paper. I was embarrassed, because I cry when I write. I was hoping to bow my head, put the essay on her desk, and get the hell out of dodge!

“Shelley I know you’re going to school for nursing, but I think you should continue an education in writing. A lot of people have a hard time tuning into the characters of  books they read, and you seem to do this well. I have enjoyed reading your work and hope to see you when time allows. Keep practicing”

I then found this platform and met others who encouraged me, as well.

A little over a year ago I started reading a blog about a mother, who writes to her daughter. She writes beautiful content, about life and the lessons she has learned. She led me to self discovery when she wrote about an old flame here. And how she ended the relationship without any explanation.

“I stopped talking to him altogether. And it was the cruelest and kindest thing I could think of”.

When commenting on her post about this particular line. I explained to her how she showed to me his side of the story instead of my own. Then she wrote a post on poetry where she removed another road block. One, I had put up myself. I used to think certain poetry was above me, and I wasn’t smart enough to read and understand certain poets and the poems they wrote.

“Poetry, though, is like a window on train: You see through it what you want to see, while simultaneously, the glass reflects you back. What I mean by “you own it,” is that your interpretation is equally valid to the poem’s meaning as that of the Poet’s. Too many people read poetry as if they’re trying to get to the right answer”.

I found myself diving into poetry on social media here. Author: Lang Leav writes brevity poems, powerful snippets about life and love. On her page, I then found Leo Christopher who wrote this:

“You assume I chose the most painful path, That my actions hurt you the most, but you’ll never know the sacrifices I made to spare you much grater heartache, sometimes that is the best love can do”.

Through these writers I was able find the peace from the past of my first love.

A while back Alyssa, you wrote a letter explaining where you’re with God. I try not to preach, although in person, you may tag me as such. I do not spit out verses because, I have never read the bible. I have gone to church and feel I have given my life to God. A while back I fell off the wagon of attending church.

I tried befriending a family from the church I was attending. They shot me down, snubbed me, and on my third attempt I could have sworn, I received an eye roll. I thought to myself.  This place is full of shit! However, I continue to pray and thank God for my family. I don’t have answers on why bad things happen or why he lets them happen. I do know, as you have shown me, in many post, like the examples I gave above. There is another side of the story.

When you wrote Leaning-into-the-lyre-on-the-occasion-that-you-need-hope, again with all your links you helped me understand depression, which my mother (step-mom) has suffered half my life.  On this particular blog post you posted another link  to a blogger who takes you “down the rabbit hole” of Sexual abuse. She compares her life to Virgina Woolf another writer I have heard of, but knew nothing about. When reading Woolf’s suicide letter.  I instantly heard my moms voice. She never committed suicide, but there were many times she wanted too. I was sorry for thinking one could come out of such hell so easily. I thank my mom, Lin from those depths, for loving my father all these years the way she has. I know you have made my father a happy man.

I’m no longer standing outside people’s windows to try to seal up cracks. I’m sitting here looking out my own window. Reading, writing, and getting educated. So, maybe one day, instead of trying to support the world. I can support myself and in turn. Be the person, I have always been.

21 thoughts on “Reading And Writing And The Places They Have Taken Me

  1. firstly, thank you for the kindly click the like button friendlinesses. next 🙂 ahhh such is fun here to read the freedom to be ourselves and that it is okay! I’m a bit of a butt but i enjoy visiting new churches to? count whom says hello. while in formal church settings, i fail socially here, I do not fail and never have to find god in social circles all the time and everywhere. – i might go as far to say a blog is a better church….mine is one of misspellings because I just type so well, not seeing what’s in front of me lol. Guess i’m also a butt in trying to amp up the importance of art here and there. it isn’t dinner which we hope everyone gets them and enough-but it’s pretty…common…the occurrences of them so much so I admit i rarely remember them long…and i like food. I would thus say it wouldn’t appear that I would hope i’m discerning intelligent or something distinguishing arty farty- yet still say anyone can do it!… or like an old favorite cooking program – if yan can cook? so can YOU!.” I like that juxtaposition of showcasing- to make it special feeling but also not barring people from the fun of it. thus i’m sure you’d find it highly amusing to imagine a room full of half there and bored people me pointing and otherwise randomly spotlight them for? gimme a word and i mean any word! – be careful they just may and cuss words do in fact rhyme a bunch 😀 but aw shucks that corporate-itis barring their use. then rhyming them lists long. now we make a vote of which ones, rhymes we like and expand this to a haiku. 🙂 or a limerick. never forget limericks! lord how my boss hated that day! 😀 but you know what? that and the reception are? okay. just as i liked real god hour with a pastor from a local church- i mean as i worked sundays i was church on church days with my silly pamphlet of catholic sentiments trying to run a spiritual readings thing only to have the realization of the jewishness of a lot of my audience? eek ;D okay new testament out and in with the fun of geography in the bible! how come a 2 week trip took fourty years…Moses GPS bud? 😉 ah the secular bliss of not questioning the lord as in back talking but being part of the words. but as i was angling towards, to know i saw my pastor pal and thus came about church in more then ways but never in that formal setting 🙂 I don’t think though my out of then work writings met with high approval lol. principal reason is the reverence in them was missing as was the proper corporate approved decorum… but imagine my bliss rewriting america’s magic song to opposite itis it to mean my boss sat herself smack in the middle of me and this dietary aid i was hoping to be friendlier with lol talk about magic out poof, thanks boss! to which she’d object to workplace fraternization, and being called boss as she has a name nan by the way short for the Nancy. but you get the idea i hope that I was having a ball til the lass showed up with her live in boyfriend. which is okay too but that’s an okay that takes a touch of time to make it so. 😉 but such are my little windows to your words.

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    • You’ve have a good point about counting who says hi. To be heart- wrenching-honest. I took the rejection a bit to personal. I try not to hide who I’m to much anymore because people can like me are lump me. As my husband says “everyone’s not going to like you Shelley” I m sure there is lots of truth to his words. I have read a few blogs I get a sermon out of, I also get sermons out of movies I’m a movie watcher, Do you like movies? I’m no English or grammar queen. I’m sure you have figured that out already. I’ll be waiting to hear back from you!!!

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      • i’ve evidence of yours truly being a fall down about editing but interestingly enough, maybe one day i may demonstrate i did Ace English compisition and deservedly so meaning i had to at least once edit and spell check 😉 shh don’t tell. no, sometimes for no seeming rhyme or reason we can find rejection! when all the signs point to acceptiance too. as to movie watching, I like some of them! 😀 I can not claim to be a huge movies buff because I really do have difficulty seeing them preferring home television experiences where i can sit closer to them flickers and thus pay some attention to it all. facebook oh dread lol often does the sillies of what’s this movie you’ve watched theink off the dvde of but still like – those movies are: the finnish movie, the mawithout a past from 2002, jiro dreams of sushi, shawshank redemption- which rarely gets old, lawrence of arabia with peter otoole, a later otool richard rush’ the stuntman, madadayo- which is a colour era akira kurosawa film…I lately am trying to get through shows like stephen frye does america – it’s fun to watch other countries visit us, the silk road a late seventies early 80’s miniseries from japan traveling china and other land’s silk road with music by kitaro because I keep trying to be somewhat informed, james burke in spurts “and to be fair to him was planning on handing out christianity with the beads.” I mean acid worded english lol. I adore anthony bordain as he is a fun travel presenter and i like food too 😉 i suppose i need to look up justin wilson’s louisianna cooking again as i just know it’s been too long….however i’m still no less afraid of working around frying oil- i can but I don’t like the idea of it nutritionally nor safetywise. or if you get the hint I like educational tv a bit more than movies but i don’t hate movies, i liked the netflix thin g on the history of film- I laughed as i did a dig up of some old films as i worked a nursing home so try try try to get after the past i would. like being juust barely old enough to be listening to a radio program from thirty nine depicting a play from 21 which in twenty three came the actor of the movie visiting a hotel to be courted with a dressing named in the movie’s honor… in this case the movie, the green goddess, the actor unknown to me shoot forgot, and the remake was an orson wells program for the then campbells playhouse available on http://www.radiolovers.com – i prefer the show the adventures of philip marlowe but it’s fun listening to jerry lewis when he was funny…knowing that he having directed and or produced his movies later did a film school for the exploded on us 80’s names like george lucas I believe stephen spielberg too. funny really 😉 who’d have thought lewis the goto of the next gen? I want to watch titan a.e. again the film that broke don bluth because it didn’t suck but it sure didn’t grab the audience- I suppose i’m over due to watch 2001 again and if i do I have to make the day of it and watch sean connery in Outland…gritty distopian space life lol. thhis will mean the next day i’d have to back that up with real space like tom hanks in appolo thirteen and october sky which always makes me want a heaping helping of borsht october sky being a family friendly story of a group of small town kids who took up rockets in the fifties after sputnik to eventually break the normal of life there being sports scholarship or the mines…one going to work for nasa. I think you can catch a few silent films era greats like tilly’s punctured romance with charley chaplain.. and think on how the movies were integrative as he was not a honkey but a latino when such wasn’t cool…and lost in the political era of which and witch hunts maccarthy. another was a theif of baghdad with douglas fairbanks- it’s mildly amusing to see story telling with those older tricks we’d think passe- but interesting to me is the star did elitch garden’s summer stock and while i wasn’t alive for silent film’s heyday lol I have been to the elitch gardens and by that i mean it’s original location at thirtiy eighth and tennyson which is now a sunflower market lol. I remember the dumb skits and then learned they had more glowing words like “summer stock” 😀 😉 but what? a star from times in MY now old town? I believe the taming of the shrew thirty one was also amusing ….but in reality i can like me a captain ron as much as a gladiator i tend towards comedies… but i got a kick out of thirty eight’s algiers with charles boyer too and would play it next to it happened one night with a famous carrot scene and then play the old bugs bunny and peppy lepew cartoons laughing as they were indeed satires of real people clark gable bugs and charles boyer peppy lepew. just as it was john byner for ant and the advark both i barely remember seeing him as john bynar’s bizzare which my father of course forbade me watch along with the black adder with rowan atkinson and of course benny hill was nope as well….

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      • 😉 such is the general hope 😀 may I mention Salami? of course it’s not likely any good for me but MMMM! and I got these 2 for a buck plastic popcorn tubs like a large paper bag but in plastic from the dollar store for the movie popcorn? two is a 3.5 oz bag with a light refill on each. 🙂

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  2. Shelley, All of our childhood experiences are because of what is happening at the time. It makes us who we are today… and for that you must be grateful, because the person you are today is a lovely, good-spirited, kind, compassionate, loving person. The fact that you perhaps didn’t take time for reading and writing more.. only means that perhaps it wasn’t the right timing for you to do so… but look at what you’ve accomplished in these past few years. Taking a course in writing, having a loving family, working and helping those who need a kind person to do so, writing a blog; and most of all, not giving up.

    You’ve also had the sadness of losing your babies… and still you did not give up.

    I am sad that the church(es) you tried to join were not welcoming or loving as they should have been as followers of Christ. Perhaps at some point you will feel like you can try again; because the fact that a person goes to church does not necessarily mean that they are Christian in nature. Maybe what might help is to realize that all people are flawed to some degree; we all fall short of what God would like for us to do…. and I’m not trying to trivialize what that did to you; only that you might try one day again…

    I’m glad that I have had a chance to know you! Love Diane xx

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    • We do all fall short, I know, I was supposed to hear those words. “We are all flawed”. I agree. I’m glad I have had a chance to know you too. I try not to be a quitter and I’m thankful your not a quitter either! Love ya, Dian!

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  3. S., I had written a long comment that, for some reason, didn’t post. 😦 Suffice it to say, I apologized for taking so long to get back to this, and I thanked you, from the bottom of my heart, for being kind enough to share some of what I’d written (and shared)!

    I think you’re an exceptionally patient and loving person who, despite what she’s been through (losing loved ones, being snubbed by potential friends, etc.) continues to be supportive and encouraging of others. I am truly in awe of your great gifts there, S.

    Anyone who doesn’t accept your friendship has suffered an ENORMOUS loss. You have so much to give this world, and I feel grateful just to get to read about a fraction of your life. I hope you won’t stop writing or sharing it, friend.

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    • I knew I would hear from you sooner or later. I myself have been having problems with comments. My notifications for comments for one reason or another is not working. I guess eventually they will iron out the problem.

      You’re welcome, I know I had said this all before but you’ve also said if it’s “good enough to say once it’s good enough to say again. I wanted to be sure to let you know as well, how much I appreciate what you have taught me from your blog. I was also hoping to cheer you up! You’re welcome my friend. Have a good morning and a good day!!!

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    • I will definitely check out this book. A blog for some reason is easier for me to read. I have started reading some news articles without bailing in the middle of the article. My next step is prioritizing my time, to read. Which is a whole other story. Thank you, for commenting and reading. I appreciate your encouraging words. Have a good day today!

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